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“You’re right,” she said as her roommate walked away. Taking a small sip from the beer bottle she had been nursing for an hour, Lacey stood at the sidelines and watched her coworkers mill around the pool room located in their housing complex. It was an eclectic mix of young people in swimwear and colorful sundresses. While some splashed around in the pool and others danced to the blaring music, most of the guests nibbled on the spicy snacks and drank the boldly colored concoctions.
Once Priya left the party, Lacey closed her eyes and exhaled. She would stay another five minutes and then leave.
She still wasn’t sure why she’d chosen to stay in Abu Dhabi, but it had proven to be a good decision. The rich nightlife had allowed her to find a job performing at the hotel lounge. She’d also managed to make a few friends within the month she arrived. She was determined to get out and meet more people. Forget the past and make up for lost time.
Sometimes determination wasn’t enough. Her time in Rudaynah had changed her. Marked her in ways she hadn’t considered. Lacey glanced down at the purple bikini she wore and the wispy sarong around her hips. These days she wasn’t comfortable showing too much skin. She preferred the modest dress code she had to follow once she was outside the housing complex.
“Lacey!” Cody, another American who worked in the hotel, was at her side. His wide smile, unbuttoned shirt and bright red swim trunks conveyed his casual attitude toward life. He liked to flirt with her, and while she knew it didn’t mean anything, she tried to discourage it.
“You haven’t danced once the whole time you’ve been here.” He held out his hand. “We need to fix that.”
She hesitated for a second. She knew the invitation wasn’t going to jump-start her love life, but the idea of dancing with another man—touching another man—felt wrong.
It’s just a dance. It’s no big deal. But she knew Cody would try for more. How could she explain to him that she didn’t feel whole or intact? That she was definitely not strong enough to even expose herself to a lighthearted fling or a one-night stand?
Looking into Cody’s face lined by the sun rather than by hardship, Lacey realized falling in love again was impossible. She felt the corners of her mouth quirk as she considered her foolishness. What was she worried about? She was safe with Cody and every other man. No one could measure up to Hafiz.
“Okay, sure. Why not?” She set down her beer and took his hand. Lacey didn’t feel any thrill of anticipation when he placed his other hand on the curve of her hip or when her fingers grazed his bare skin. She felt no excitement, no awareness. Nothing.
But, quite honestly, she hadn’t felt a thing since the helicopter touched down in Abu Dhabi a month ago. She went through the motions of living, but she felt dead inside. She had a feeling it was going to be like that forever. And still she didn’t worry over the possibility.
As Lacey danced in Cody’s arms, she wondered how long the song would last. She knew that if Hafiz had been her dance partner, she would have wanted the music to go on forever.
Hafiz. She had to stop thinking about him. Lacey abruptly pulled away just as the song changed into something harsh and angry.
Cody motioned for her to keep dancing, but she wanted to go home. No, that wasn’t true. She wanted to find Hafiz.
But that was not going to happen, Lacey reminded herself. He didn’t want her near him. She was a vice. A sin. Hafiz’s words ricocheted through her head. Nothing had changed. Nothing ever would. She had to move on.
“Don’t hold back, Lacey!” Cody yelled as he jumped up and down to the drumbeat.
Move on. Start now. Fake it until you make it. Lacey swayed to the music. She wished it had the power to make her forget everything. But the music didn’t reach her heart or fill her soul like it used to.
She needed to feel it again. Music was part of who she was. It was more than her livelihood; it was how she expressed herself and how she found solace. She couldn’t let Hafiz take that away from her, too.
Lacey pushed harder as she danced. She moved her shoulders and swished her hips to the beat of the drums. The music still didn’t reach her.
She pulled and pushed her body to move as far as it would go, wishing that the numbness that held everything back would break. That the music would grow louder until it seeped inside her. If that didn’t work, then she hoped the dancing would exhaust her so she could sleep without dreaming.
