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“Do you want to find out?”
A second passes between them as I stand by the wayside, silent and stunned.
“Fine,” Iris says finally. “But this isn’t over, Aiden. I’ve known from the beginning you were going to fuck up. I just had to bide my time and wait for it to happen.” She pauses midstep beside me to regard me directly, her expression a mixture of disappointment and hurt and rage all rolled into one. “I hope you were worth it.”
Aiden stares at some spot on the wall behind her as Iris stomps off, and I turn my head to catch her telling Sophie goodbye at the end of the hall. I reach for Aiden, to do what, I don’t know—comfort him, maybe—but I draw my hand back, battling with some strange feeling.
I hope you were worth it.
Suddenly every good feeling I’ve had in the last twenty-four hours drains away, leaving nothing but worry and guilt and shame in its wake. I hadn’t considered before this moment what it might mean for Aiden in the long run, the two of us being together—hadn’t even entertained the thought of what people might say about him, for lack of a better expression, fucking his nanny.
Aiden finally looks down at me, a multitude of different emotions playing out in his features. Fear, anger, regret—it’s all there. But what’s worse than that, I think, is that flicker of disappointment in his eyes. I don’t know who it’s for, him or me or just this situation, but it rouses all sorts of old emotions from days when I’d been all too familiar with this look. It’s practically the only one my parents ever gave me.
I’d been a burden to them too.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, still feeling that icky sense of guilt.
Aiden shakes his head. “This isn’t your fault, Cassie.”
Yes, it is. How can it not be?
I want to cry, but I force myself to hold it together.
“I made a mistake,” he says flatly, looking down at the floor. “And I’ll deal with it.”
A mistake? Does he mean me? I can’t bring myself to ask. I swallow around a growing lump in my throat, trying to find words but coming up short.
“You should check on Wanda,” he tells me, his expression one of defeat and fatigue. “I’ll take Sophie home.”
He’s pushing you away.
Part of me thinks he wouldn’t, but that part is being shushed by a very loud, pathetic voice right now.
“Okay,” I say quietly. “Yeah. You’re right.”
“I’ll see you at home,” he says, trying for a smile but not quite managing it.
I nod as he pats my shoulder, the gesture holding none of the warmth that I feel he would have given me before this. It only makes me feel worse. I watch him go and join Sophie, who has taken residence on a bench further down the hall, and she casts a glance back toward me when she starts to leave with Aiden, waving feebly.
I return it with a smile, but like Aiden’s, it doesn’t meet my eyes.
—
Seeing Wanda hooked up to machines only worsens my darkening mood. The nurse said that the meds they gave her would make her sleepy, and she’s been out for a good hour, but I’m determined to wait until she wakes up. My phone’s been dead since we left earlier, a by-product of leaving it off the charger all night. Another mistake I’ve made in the last twenty-four hours.
I lean my head back against the wall of Wanda’s room, rubbing at my arms to fight the chill of the hospital. I’ve had nothing to do for the last hour except replay the confrontation with Iris over and over—reliving her angry words and Sophie’s worried face and Aiden’s defeated exhaustion again and again.
I made a mistake.
Maybe he didn’t mean me, I keep telling myself. Maybe he was referring to this situation. I’m not even sure that it matters. Regardless of how we ended up here this morning, I know deep down that I have now completely become something Iris has tucked away in her arsenal to use in her unyielding fight to take Sophie. I’m now thebiggestpiece of ammo she has, it seems. And how in the hell do I live with that?
I hope you were worth it.
I press the heels of my hands against my eyes, breathing in and out as tears threaten to gather there. It feels like I’m against a wall, stuck between what I want and what’s best for this little family I care about so much. Will I always be a stumbling block for them? Just something to be used against Aiden? What happens when Iris takes him to court and he decides I’m not worth the trouble? It’s not like he would choose me over Sophie, and I wouldn’t want him if he would. Half the reason I love him is because of how devoted he is to Sophie.
I pull my hands from my eyes, blinking up at the ceiling in a daze.
Do I... love him?
