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“Does it even matter who the father is?” Levi asks hotly. “The four of us are responsible. And if we want her in our lives, we need to figure out a way to make it work. That means accepting her children as are ours, paternity notwithstanding. Lucas, Ava, the one she’s carrying. Dammit, fellas, we have to do something. We can’t operate on old parameters anymore, not when we’re in clear agreement here that it was never just strictly physical between us.”
I nod slowly as I try to think of a way forward. “Maybe she went back to Scarborough. Do you think she might’ve gone to her mother’s place?”
“It would be a step backward for her,” Isaac points out. “She’s got enough saved up for a new rental, surely. I’m not sure Scarborough would be her first pick.”
“She’ll need a job, too,” Noah adds. “Savings or not, she’ll need to cover her rent and bills, the kids’ food and babysitter, all that. Ugh, she shouldn’t have left. We could’ve worked something out.”
“I think she had to leave,” I say. My friends look at me, confused and curious. “I think she was meant to leave in order for the four of us to understand where we stand and what we want. Isaac, Noah, do you want to be with her or not?”
“Of course!” Noah replies. “I couldn’t give a single shit about my family’s reputation.”
“Speak for yourself,” Isaac says. “I give a shit. But Levi and Beau are also right. It’s a shameful thing for me to admit. Yeah, we could make it work. It would have to be our secret. One of us would have to be the public partner, while the rest of us would have to keep it in the privacy of her bedroom. Provided we find Stella. And provided she would even be willing to accept such a scenario. She’s got the future of her children to consider, as well.”
“People do love to talk,” Levi lets a heavy sigh roll from his chest. “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there. Let’s find her, first. That prick Elijah will also be looking for her.”
“She probably doesn’t want to see us anymore than she wants to see him,” Noah states.
Fair enough. I deserve that kick in the nuts. So do the rest of us. We all needed this shakeup, but it’s painful to know it came at such a steep price. We’ve just lost the woman of our dreams. The only woman the four of us are able to love and share selflessly. I really do see us building a family together. It would be an unconventional family, yes, but it would be beautiful. We’d have peace and love, intimacy and room to grow. We just have to find her first.
24
Stella
It takes me about a week to get us settled into a new apartment. It’s a small place, but it’s close to Downtown Portland and clean. It’s cozy and actually surprisingly pretty for its monthly cost. I remember renting way worse in Scarborough for this kind of money. I even managed to get a cot and a crib for the kids from a thrift store down the road.
The job search is taking longer than I’d hoped, but at least my next-door neighbor’s kid is open to babysitting for cash once I find one. Clint is nineteen and he’s already helping his mom raise his little sister, Sadie, whom he brings over when he watches Ava and Lucas so I can job hunt. I’m shocked by how good he is at multitasking three children—in his defense, Sadie is ten and more than capable of looking after herself, but Clint is a good older brother and never lets her out of his sight.
Their mom, Maura, is a good woman. She works as a paralegal at a firm in the city center, so she’s got her hands full. Her husband died a few years back, so it’s been just the three of them for a while. I guess we have that in common and were able to bond over, and I have to admit it does give me a sense of comfort. In these trying times, I could use all the comfort I can get.
I spend my mornings going to interviews—diners, hotels, coffee shops, and restaurants for the most part. I’ve done a couple of temporary cleaning jobs at office buildings down the block from here, but I do need something less taxing and more stable in the months to come. There’s a good OB-GYN two blocks east, so that gives me some peace of mind as I’m due for another checkup soon. The nausea comes and goes while the cravings get more intense, but I feel good. As good as I can feel in this situation.
“Theo, I’m okay, I promise,” I try to reassure my best friend during a FaceTime call.
Lucas is sleeping in his cot, while Ava is close to dozing off in her crib. I can still hear her cooing from the living room. I had a couple of interesting interviews earlier, but now I’m exhausted. Some rest and relaxation would be great, if only I could get over this constant and crippling anxiety. Theo is still on set at this hour, wrapped in a fluffy white robe while she waits for the next scene she’s supposed to shoot. She’s in full makeup and her hair is safely nestled under a bright pink bonnet to keep her blonde curls bouncy when the cameras come back on. But there isn’t enough makeup in the world to hide the genuine concern in her eyes.
“Honey, Isaac and the guys keep hounding me for details,” she says. “They’re desperately looking for you. Why don’t you just talk to them?”
“Honestly, I’m not ready to deal with them,” I reply, trying to ignore the repetitive stabbing sensation in my heart when I hear their names. I’ve been so lonely without them. My nights are so empty and cold. “I left in a hurry, I dropped everything. And I have so much to figure out for myself, Theo, I don’t want them to influence my decisions.”
“But they should have a say in whatever you decide to do next,” she insists. “One of them is the father of your child and you need to accept that.”
“No. I’m not going to be paid off like some kind of mistress,” I reply bluntly, shaking my head. “Listen, Theo, please don’t tell them where I am. I will reach out when I’m ready, but that’s it. That’s all I can say on this subject.”
“You’re hurting, and I get it. They should’ve done more, I get that, too, but you have to admit, it was complicated from the very beginning with the five of you.”
“Yes, which is why I decided to make an early exit and spare them from further complications.”
“A baby isn’t a further complication.”
“You think I don’t know that?” I scoff, my face burning with shame. “I already have two from a failed marriage. I’m gonna have three soon enough, and none of them will have a stable father. I’m really batting a thousand here.”
Theo exhales sharply, summoning the patience to deal with me. I’ve not been easy to deal with, and there’s only so much I can blame purely on pregnancy hormones. “Okay, I won’t talk about them for a while, at least. But I need to know you’re good, Stella. How are Lucas and Ava doing?”
“We got lucky. Our next-door neighbor is an excellent babysitter,” I tell her with a warm and reassuring smile. “They’re both napping now. We’re gonna watch some cartoons after dinner. We’re having spaghetti and meatballs tonight, and I’m even gonna make us some Nutella crepes if I’ve got any energy left.”
“Don’t they miss the Elizabeth? Don’t you?”
“Ava wouldn’t remember it and Lucas will get over it soon enough. What I feel in these circumstances isn’t really relevant, given I’m the one who chose to leave,” I reply. “But we’re good here, Theo. We’re safe and comfortable. The landlady is super sweet and kind. She even said I can stay a month or two at a steep discount if I don’t find a job soon. I’m not going to rely on that, of course, because you never know… but it’s nice to know I found decent folks here in Portland.”
