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That got his attention. “Huh?” He looked up, stupid and confused.
“Whale?Zaftig?You have no fucking idea how cruel that is. You clueless dick! If you’re embarrassed to be seen with me, at least have the balls to admit it!”
“Why are you so pissed? I was just being honest.” He stood. “Some chicks are dolphins and some are whales. Dolphins are tiny and can play in the surf. Whales are big and can’t. That’s all I’m saying.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “Cripes, Tristan. Try a little harder not to be such an unmitigated moron.”
He threw up his hands. “Fucking hell. I can’t even be honest without you freaking out. How the fuck do you expect this relationship to work, if you get hysterical over a little comment about your body?”
“Honesty shouldn’t feel like a kick in the tits!”
“Oh, c’mon, Zel. You’re tall, but you’re not amodel. You know that.”
“And I appreciate you throwing it in my face.”
He shoved his phone into his pocket. “You’re way too fucking sensitive.”
“No. I’m way too fucking lenient. I’mdone. We’redone. Get the fuck outta my house.”
“Fine. Whatever. Shit, you’re a bitch on your period.”
“I’m pissed. That doesn’t automatically mean I’m menstruating, you ignorant prick!”
He grabbed his jacket and headed for the stairs. “So glad I didn’t move in.”
“Me, too!”
The front door slammed.
2
THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF DICKISHNESS
I don’t knowhow long I sat on the couch, arms folded, seeing nothing and feeling even less. Long enough for the world to grow dark outside and for my neighbors to return from work. Should I have felt sad or something? After all Tristan and I were together for almost two years.
But, no, I feltnothing.
Beside me, Frank yawned and stretched. Lulu looked up with bleary eyes and started purring. “Hello, kitty-kitties,” I said and they climbed onto my lap, their little motors buzzing.
I gently tapped Lulu’s nose. She slowly closed her eyes, mesmerized. What a weirdo. “You guys always make me smile.”
Frank jumped down and trotted into the kitchen. Lulu climbed onto my shoulder and smashed her face against mine.
“Why the hell did I put up with the undisputed champion of dickishness for so long, Lu? It’s not like he was nice to me when we were in school. I mean, he was hard to ignore ’cause he was so freakin’ good looking, but we had nothing in common. I was into books. He was into vandalism.”
Tristan and I ran into each other two years ago when I was house hunting in Seattle. I didn’t even know he’d moved south from Bellingham. I stopped for tea at a coffeehouse across from Blue Water Fitness where he worked. He recognized me and bought my drink. We chatted briefly and exchanged numbers, two childhood acquaintances catching up awkwardly. I went off to meet with my realtor, not really thinking anything would come of our encounter. But he texted a few days later with an address; one of his clients was selling her townhouse. It was perfect. I bought it and invited Tristan over for dinner to thank him for the referral. For some reason we just kept seeing each other until we ended up the unlikeliest couple.
Honestly though? I was never friends with Tristan Blaylock. Not in elementary, middle, or high school. And, apparently, not as an adult either.
I’d stuck it out because we had history. Plus, I liked knowing Zaftig Zel was fucking the hottest guy from my high school class. Never mind that we’d graduated six years ago and I rarely saw anyone from school anymore. Yes, it was petty, but can’t a girl gloat every once in a while?
I also wasn’t a do-shit-halfway kinda person. I’d committed to the relationship. If I walked away from everything that got tough, I wouldn’t have a six-figure income.
What can I say? I relish a challenge.
And Tristan Blaylock was definitely a motherfucking challenge.
“But sometimes, you gotta walk away, Lu, for your own sanity.” I stood and carried her into the kitchen. “Not all wars are winnable.”
