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“AndIgot shit-faced,” Aithan said, not even apologizing to Babcia for his language. “I’m not passing the buck to either of you.”
“Stop,” I said. “Back up. PTSD?” I grabbed Aithan’s wrist. “You didn’t think I needed to know?”
“I don’t have an official diagnosis. Gotta see my doc, but I didn’t want to add to your worries.”
Drew nodded. “You’ve got enough stress, Zel.”
“Oh, are you fucking kidding me?”
All three guys reacted to my harsh tone. Drew and Aithan looked like puppies waiting to be kicked, and Tobias looked like the boy who’d walked in to find his parents fighting.
Shit. I sighed. “Thank you for bolting up here like a shining knight, Tobias. I appreciate you giving a crap. But I’m about to tear these two boys new assholes and I don’t think you wanna witness the destruction, so why don’t you get some sleep?”
He pursed his lips and nodded. “Glad you’re okay, Zel. Goodnight.” He glanced from Aithan to Drew and added, “Good luck,” then went downstairs.
I released Aithan’s wrist and crossed my arms. “Offense Number One: How dare you guys get drunk and turn the night into a boys’ club at my expense?” Drew opened his mouth but shut it with a snap when I raised a finger at him. “I am not done. You got to mouth off plenty, both of you, so now it’s my turn to have a say. You had no right to expose me the way you did tonight. I may be upfront about my sexual kinks and honest about my attraction to Tobias, but that doesn’t give you the right to speak for me. My likes, my feelings, my desires aremineto reveal, if and whenIchoose to. You don’t speak for me.” I took a slow breath. “I’ve had more than enough of that from Greer. I will not tolerate it from anyone else. Ever again. Period.”
Aithan knelt, head down, right hand gripping his left arm, left hand fisted and pressing the floor. Drew still sat, tight-lipped, chin to chest, looking like a little kid getting lectured. Before they could speak, I continued.
“Offense Number Two: Diagnosed or not, you kept this PTSD issue from me because you decided I couldn’t handle more stress. You didn’t ask me. You decided for me. That’s another Greer tactic, it’s something my parents have done, and it makes my fucking bloodboil. I am not going to break because someone gives me some bad news!” Controlling my voice was becoming a struggle because, holy shit, I was a lot more pissed than I’d realized. “Do you know whatwillbreak me?”
They silently shook their heads.
“Hypocritical bullshit! BeingtoldI’m strong and capable but being treated like I’m a fucking fragile little doll. If this relationship is going to work, you have got to share the crappy stuff, as well as the good news. Otherwise, it’s a house of cards furnished with half-truths. And I’ve done that already. It didn’t work out.”
“Zel—” Aithan said, but shut up when I shook my head.
I jabbed a finger at him. “You’ll get a diagnosis this week. You’ll get help. Or you’ll get out. I won’t put up with another abusive relationship. I won’t tiptoe around, afraid you’ll go off at some random thing and break my face.”
He flinched.
I rounded on Drew, who sat with his elbow on the chair arm, fingers covering his mouth, brow pinched. “And you won’t keep secrets to spare me ’cause I might be toofragile. That’s so much bullshit, I can’t even.
“And neither of you will speak for me or make decisions for me without asking for my permission. I may be the youngest among us, but I am not a child. I am not breakable. I am not a toy or a decoration or whatever the fuck men think women are when they forget we’re human!”
I swallowed again, folded my arms, and glared at them. My lizard brain wanted to cry, but my frontal lobe still had control, thank God. I sucked in a slow, deep breath and waited for the blowback.
Drew spoke first, lowering his hand from his mouth and leaning forward. “You’re one hundred percent right, Zel. I’ve been doing that decision-making thing to both of you and it’s unfair.” He shook his head. “It’s a trust issue, and not because I think either of you is untrustworthy, but because I’m still learning how to trust.” He held my gaze. “I promise to do better. I’m sorry I was a loud-mouthed ass.”
Aithan exhaled a slow breath. “Sorry is nowhere near enough to make up for what I allowed to happen.” He shook his head. “Iamsorry, and I’ll send a message to my doctor tonight. I don’t know what else to say. Except I love you, but I’m not sure I’m worthy of you.”
That set me back. “Why would you say that?”
His voice was hushed as he confessed, “I’m not the wholesome guy you want me to be. I coerced girls into sex in high school and even in college. I wheedled and bullied if they hesitated. I lied, made promises I never intended to keep. I was an arrogant asshole, the kind of guy you’d tell your daughter to avoid.”
I stared at him. The person he was describing was so far removed from the man kneeling before me that I couldn’t reconcile the two. Should I have been angry with him for being that horrible person? Should I have felt betrayed or distrustful? I dunno. Maybe. But I wasn’t and I didn’t. Unless …. “Did you ever rape a woman?” The question tumbled out of me, cutting like glass.
His head jerked up. “God no. I was a dick if they said no, but I never forced it. At least I can say that honestly.” He grimaced. “Not that it’s a source of pride. I mean, no one deserves praise fornotbeing a rapist.”
I considered that answer for a long moment. “What changed?”
Aithan settled with one knee up, chin resting atop it. “Juju.” He glanced up. “You overheard Tobias and I both dated her?” I nodded and he continued. “I was infatuated. Thought she was The One, you know? Until the day she told me I wasn’t good enough for her. That I took women for granted, put my wants ahead of theirs, skated on my looks, and would end up a miserable, lonely man. She didn’t date men she pitied and couldn’t respect.”
“Ouch,” Drew said.
Ouch was right. “Were you mad?” I asked.
“I was hurt. Heartbroken. I called Babcia and told her what Juju said, thinking she’d take my side. But she asked why I was surprised and said I should thank Juliette. She told me to get my head out of my ass. In Polish, of course.”
