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I don’t taste anything as my stomach churns. But I swallow it down, hoping that the sooner I placate Elliot, the sooner he will leave.
I can’t stand him here, in my space, acting like he cares. Like he isn’t only here because the girls sent him.
When I’ve managed to eat a whole slice, he goes back to watching whatever show he’s got playing on my small TV. I throw the box back down and turn over, giving him my back.
I don’t want to face reality yet.
I don’t want him or anybody else to try and drag me back in the real world.
I like it in here where it’s safe and dark and isolated. Where I can wallow and cry and breakdown without risk of anyone seeing me.
I hadn’t meant to smash the mirror earlier. It just happened.
One minute, I was staring at myself, replaying every bad memory in my head, and the next…
My chest tightens, my fingers curling into tight fists against my bedsheets as the intense emotions war inside me. Grief. Shame. Loneliness. Anger. There’s a maelstrom raging, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t know how?—
“I’m sorry,” his voice cuts through the air but I don’t glance back to look at him. “About that night. I didn’t want to hurt?—”
“It doesn’t matter,” I rush out, unwilling to hear his reasons.
“Abi, come on. Don’t be like this. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
Friends.
Bitter laughter crawls up my throat, but I trap it. He’s seen enough. I can’t give him anything else—I won’t survive it.
“Red?”
“Sure, Elliot,” I murmur, still refusing to look at him. “We’re friends. I’m really tired.”
“I’ll stay for a little bit. You can sleep.”
“No, that’s?—”
“Fuck’s sake, Abi. Just sleep. I got you.”
But that’s the thing.
He doesn’t have me.
He never will.
* * *
When I wake up the next time, Elliot is gone, and my room looks ten times cleaner and tidier than it did before.
Shame pricks at my chest but I shove it down. I didn’t ask him to do that. I didn’t ask him to do anything.
Desperate to pee, I push back the covers and gingerly climb out of bed. The one slice of pizza sits heavy in my stomach, but I feel no desire to purge it like everything else I’ve eaten the last few days.
On my way to the bathroom, I notice a note on my desk.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
Try not to break anything else.
