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It’s not good enough, a little voice nags in my ear.You are not good enough.
“FUCK,” I roar, able to unleash fully seeing as the Chapel is empty. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
Emotion burns at the back of my throat as visions of Abigail continue in my head.
She looked so small, so frail, so… sad.
The need to try and fix her is all-consuming.
But she doesn’t want me.
She told me to leave.
You shouldn’t have listened…
But if I didn’t, then what would I have done? Just sit there and continue to watch her sleep.
At least you’d know she’s okay.
Alive.
Not hurting herself.
Lifting my arm, I stare at my watch. I might see the hands of the clock, but the time doesn’t actually register.
I just watch the second hand as it ticks around.
Everything is moving around me, the world continues to turn. I should be out there making the most of it, dragging Abigail along with me to prove that there are so many better ways to deal with all this than to lock herself away and hide from the world.
But it would make me feel like nothing but a hypocrite because hiding is exactly what I do when life gets too much.
A bitter, self-deprecating laugh falls from my lips.
Just look at me now.I’m sitting in the middle of a sparkling clean bathroom surrounded by the scent of bleach.
Twisting my hand around, I stare at my skin. Red and raw.The edges of my nails are sore. The urge to pick at them, to make them bleed burns through me.
But while I might allow some of my vices to slip through every now and then, that’s something I know I need to keep a hold on.
I’m still sitting in the exact same position fuck knows how long later with a numb arse when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket.With a pained sigh, I pull it free, praying I’m not going to find my father’s name staring back at me.
Talking to him, even if it is through a phone, is the last thing I need right now.
Relief floods me when I discover who it is, although I’m not exactly happy because I know exactly what they’re about to ask.
Sucking in a deep breath, I drag my mask on and get ready to pretend that everything is fucking rosy.“Hey, how’s paradise?” I ask, cringing at the tone of my voice.
“Fucking awesome. We’re missing you though, bro,” Reese says.
“I know. It sucks. I’m gutted.” It’s not a total lie.
Would I like to be lying on a white sandy beach right now with thoughts of home, school, exams, and reality a distant memory? Hell yes.
But it was never going to happen. Not with Abigail still here suffering.
She might not have been my excuse, but I’m pretty sure they all know the one I gave was bullshit.
They know me better than I want them to sometimes.
