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My heart swells.
Maybe I can do something right in my life.
Lying down on my side with my head on my pillow, I do something I’ve never done before.
I fall asleep with a girl in my arms. In my bed.
If only she could understand just how massive this moment is for me. But the reality is, everything she’s going through right now trumps it by a mile.
* * *
Iwake more than a few times over the next few hours.
Having another body in my bed is bizarre. But not as weird as having them wrapped around me like a koala.Still, as uncomfortable as I might have been, I never tried to move her or let her go.
I couldn’t.
The fear that she’d wake up and shove me aside, regretting all of this—assuming she’s even aware—is very real.
If this is all I’m ever going to get of this incredible young woman, then I’m going to take it.
She can even pretend it never happened in the morning if she wants.
I’ll remember though.
It’ll be enough.
It has to be enough.
I wake before sunrise after a few hours of fitful rest with Abigail still sleeping beside me.
As much as I want to stay here and experience her reaction when she wakes, my need for the bathroom makes it impossible.
Gently as I can, I slide my arm from beneath her body and tuck the duvet tight around her as I roll away, leaving her alone in my massive bed once again.Without looking back, I pad across my room, peeling my sweaty t-shirt and sweats off as I go.
I take a piss before turning the shower on and quickly jumping in.
As much as I hate to wash her scent off me, I don’t need the reminder of something I’m never going to have again.
Last night was a one-off.
It’s better for all of us that it is.
I can’t have Abigail.
Not the way I really want her.
It wouldn’t be fair to her.
With my skin red from the almost unbearable heat of the water, I towel off and brush my teeth. I pause at the bathroom door with my hand on the doorknob, second-guessing myself.
There’s a part of me that wishes she’s awake and will invite me back into the bed, but there is a bigger part that knows that’s wishful thinking.
With a sigh, I pull the door open and slip out.The room is still in darkness, and there is an unmoving Abigail-sized lump under the covers in the middle.
With just one quick glance, I walk over to my dresser and pull out a clean pair of boxers and sweats.Forgoing a t-shirt, I leave the damp towel in a pile on the floor—something that physically pains me to do—but my need to get out of the room and breathe some air that’s not laced with Abigail’s scent is too much to ignore.
The second I’m out of the room, my chest deflates and my shoulders lower.
