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Silence. It was crazy how much I had feared it back then. I didn’t like the emptiness of it. But this emptiness I could deal with. I needed a moment away from all the chaos that had riddled my life lately.
Marcus. Work. Daniel.
It was just too much noise.
“Room for one more?” His voice sent a shiver down my spine. Daniel came up beside me, his body towering over me from above.
I didn’t dare to look up after all that had transpired getting here. I was tired, and I had no more fight left in me. I kept my eyes trained on the water, my body stiffening, preparing itself for whatever altercation was to come from this.
“Depends. Are you going to bash me again and tell me how incompetent I am? Or maybe you could call me a whore again? Funny how you could call me that right after we had sex. Guess that is all you really think of me. So now that you have had me, are you happy? Done with me?”
I kept my eyes trained on the glistening moon up ahead. In my peripheral, I saw his body flinch at the very words he had used only a few hours ago.
Neither one of us spoke. The thick silence of the night enveloped us.
He had hurt my feelings. The way he had spoken to me reminded me so much of Marcus. The anger, the irritation, the annoyance. I saw glimmers of the monster I had thought I had slain years ago.
“I’m sorry.” His words carried in the gentle breeze in the night. “I was way out of line for saying that. You didn’t deserve what I said; you are none of those things.”
My breathing faltered. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know if I could forgive him for what he said. Daniel and I had always been at odds from the moment we met, but the way he had been behaving recently was mean. His words were like poisoned daggers to my chest. They curdled my blood and broke my heart.
“Selena?”
I didn’t know I was crying until I felt the tears trickle down my face. I quickly swiped them away, not wanting to get overly emotional in front of him.
“Shit,” I heard him curse under his breath, and then he crouched down in front of me. His
hands came on the other side of the chair. He blocked the light coming from the fire, casting a
shadow over me. I turned my head so as not to meet his eyes. The last thing I wanted was for
him to see the tears in my eyes. I hated looking weak in front of anyone, least of all him. He
was the last person who deserved to see my tears after he had caused them.
He hooked his thumb under my chin and forced me to look at him. I moved my gaze to go over his shoulder, but he only moved his head so he was in my direct line of sight again.
“Daniel…” I could not do this with him right now. “I get you feel bad about what you said, but I am not in the right mindset to have this conversation with you right now. I’m done fighting with you, I’m done trying to teeter around your mood swings, and I am done trying to fit this mold that you so desperately want me in. I am me, Daniel. I’m not some project you need to fix or some problem you need to solve.”
“And I know that,” his voice came out much gentler than I had expected. His palm cupped the side of my face, his thumb drawing soft and soothing circles on my skin. “I was a fucking asshole to you, Selena. There is no excuse for what I did. You deserve better. I let my emotions and jealousy get the best of me.”
I stared at him for a moment, my heart squeezing in the little place in the middle of my chest. His words were meant to soothe the initial ache in my chest, but all it did was deepen the cracks.
For weeks, we had this up and down with each other. I had to take on every punch and every cut that he inflicted. I was built strong; my past had forced me to be. But there was only so much one soul could take. For years, I had worked on building this external exterior to keep out all the pain and the hurt. But now the armor had cracks in it. My foundation had been shaken, and I was coming undone at the seams. I couldn’t face the past if it came knocking at my doorstep again, but I could run from it until I could find my footing again.
“You’re right,” my voice came out hoarse like I had been gurgling nails. “I do deserve more.”
I pushed him to move back a little bit so that I could stand, and he did the same. Daniel was a good foot taller than me, so he was easily towering over me.
“I deserve to be seen as a competent person. I know that respect is earned, but there is a certain amount that must be given to every single human being, and you have treated me like I was far beneath you. You have criticized me for the way I live my life. You have commented countless times that I am undeserving and unqualified to be at your firm, and I get it. I am not from the same side of the tracks as you, but I am damn good at my job, Daniel.”
“And I know that, Selena.” He reached for me, but I pulled away from him. For the first time since I had known Daniel, his expression morphed into one of…hurt? Regret? I couldn’t place it. “You are an amazing person, and you work your ass off in my firm—…”
“So why?” I lifted my hands to the heavens, completely dumbfounded. “Why do you say those things about me? Why do you beat me down only to say this?”
He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.
“One minute you are hot, and the next you are ice cold, Danny. I don’t get you, and to be honest, I don’t want to try to get you anymore. I have tried,” my voice lowered with the heaviness from my heart, “I have too much shit going on right now to take on your fickleness.”
