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“Bourne, besides Edric, you didn’t tell anyone else about the baby yet, did you?”
“No, I would never announce something so special without you.”
“Good, and thank you for saying that.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong; put me down before your arms break.” I tried to protest again but jokingly, which he was not buying. He pressed me for an answer, and I knew if I didn’t tell him what was on my mind, it would turn into an argument I was too tired to have.
“Principessa, I will not ask again.”
“Not here and not now; I promise we will talk when we have more privacy. Deal?”
“Deal, but you are still going on the couch to rest, and if you argue with me, then it’s upstairs to our room.”
“Okay, bossy, pick a spot and park me there,” I giggled.
“There you are,” he winked. “I love your sassy mouth.”
“Don’t get me started about everything I love about you.”
“I think I know,” he said, gently kissing my forehead.
After I raised the white flag in surrender, Bourne let up a little and gave me some much-needed girl time with Lucy. Anna chatted with us for a few minutes before putting the finishing touches on an early dinner for all of us.
“Okay, Pierre is showing the new software to Bourne and Edric now, so spill, how are you?”
“I could never hide anything from you, can I?”
“No, so don’t try now. Oh, Sabina, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. You got yourself shot protecting someone who didn’t need it and could take care of himself. What were you thinking of going up against a bullet? You could have died and lost to us forever.”
“Lucy, I don’t expect you to understand my reasons for doing what I did, but I chose to save a life, and it didn’t matter that it was Gio’s. My only regret is that I scared you and Bourne. I didn’t know if I would survive when I woke up in my old bedroom. My whole life as a Santoro has been about survival. I tried to help Lucas, but he was too far gone to save. When Lucas and Gio fought, I was scared, and he wasn’t just my bodyguard but my friend who always looked out for me. Again, I have no regrets saving his life, which is the story's end.”
“What about Lucas?”
“I couldn’t save him, and I must make peace with that.”
“But,” she began to say, and then I stopped her.
“Lucy! I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I snapped, not meaning to, and already regretted the tone I used with Lucy.
“I’m sorry; I guess I’m used to asking you anything I want, and you never had a problem answering them freely. We tell each other everything.”
I sighed, “Lucy, the same rules still apply, just not on the subject of the Santoro family. It’s over because I put it behind me, end of story.”
“Okay, fine; I’m sorry if I upset you. If you’re okay, then I’m okay. You are my best friend, and I love you, so don’t leave me again, okay.”
“I promise, no more running or disappearing; if I do, we will never share wino Wednesday again!”
“Deal! And thank you for not saying tequila Thursday; taco day was hard enough.” After we cried and hugged it out, I excused myself and went upstairs to our room for some quiet time. Of course, Bourne would freak when he didn’t find me resting, but I had to be alone for a while. Ellen had warned me that I might experience episodes of PTSD from the kidnapping down to getting shot. If she only knew that I’ve been suffering from this disorder since I had to listen to my mother be raped and murdered.
I needed air, and as soon as I was in the safety of our bedroom, I felt Bourne all around me. It was as if his love was my security blanket covering me to keep me warm and safe. I needed him constantly, but sometimes, maybe a bit too much, and I know it doesn't make sense when I tell him one thing and then do another. Back in Rhode Island, I was trying to start over in a way that I hoped would lead to bigger things once I landed a job. I wanted the freedom to live my life as I wanted without suffocating under my family's rule. I prayed for this day and what it would feel like. It’s a surreal moment because now that it’s here, I’m questioning why I’m so scared to live it. I thought of Lucy and how she asked me about what had happened in Italy. I couldn't tell her because then I would betray my promiseto myself and the one I made Bourne do. I can't live in the past anymore and continue to re-live and attach those memories to my present. When I asked Bourne the question that I did, I believed what he had said in return, and now it's up to me to stand behind my choice and let it all go. I have to do it for our baby. As much as I love and miss my mother daily, I will not make the same mistakes she did and continue the cycle with my child. I wiped away one tear that fell down my cheek as I said a little prayer up to heaven, hoping Mama would hear it.
I placed my hands over my stomach and closed my eyes to dream of the day I would be holding this little one in my arms. Our baby survived against all odds, and now it's my job to give him or her the best shot at life. It’s what mothers do, and I know Bourne will be an amazing father to our baby. But, unfortunately, we both suffer from abandonment issues, more Bourne than I do. He'd been alone for so long after losing his sister and father. He may believe that being with me gives him a do-over, but I think it will be when our child is born. A new life for him to love and protect from the start, a clean slate with no ugliness from his past life riddled with pain and tragedies that cannot be erased or forgotten. Our child is our new life, our second chance.
“Principessa, are you in here?” He called out from the doorway.
“I'm here,” I answered as I stepped inside from the balcony.
