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“You know that butterfly flaps its wings thing? How the smallest change can mean big consequences?”
Cricket nodded.
“I always wonder if he’d still be alive if we’d stayed.”
His babygirl hugged him again, so tight.
“It’s foolish to think about, and I know it wasn’t my fault, but…still.”
“We’ve all got What Ifs,” Cricket murmured. “I feel like as long as you don’t let them get in the way of living, it’s okay.”
It was refreshing that she didn’t drown him in platitudes, didn’t try to distract him from his musings, didn’t go all psychological deep dive on whether the absence of his father had made him a Daddy. He’d thought about all that before, a million times, and even though he didn’t want to be sad, exactly, it was like a breath of fresh air that Cricket would just let him be.
They sat for a few minutes and the comfortable silence let Owen gather his thoughts about what he was going to say next. He hadn’t been this fearful for a long time—it was worse than hearing a rustle behind you when you’d been stalking a bear through the woods. At least a grizzly he had a sidearm for. The possibility of losing Cricket? There was no fix for that.
“I probably romanticized a lot of things about my early life up here and I know it drove my mom up a wall, but I’ve wanted to come back to Alaska ever since. Not just Alaska, either. Rural Alaska.”
He waited for her head to snap up, an expression of revulsion on her face but it didn’t come. Maybe she didn’t understand where he was going with this?
“All that to say, I know a subsistence lifestyle isn’t for everyone. It’s hard going, lots of work and physical labor and time out on the water and in the woods. The uncertainty of hunting and fishing and gathering instead of the certainty of a grocery store. But I’ve missed it since I was a kid and spent my whole life trying to get back to it. I get twitchy and claustrophobic and depressed when I’m in town for too long. Living in a place like Enclave, though? That makes me feel alive. Connected to the land. Happy. Healthy.”
He liked his comforts in Anchorage—hot water at the twist of a knob was really great—but he was honestly happiest when he was out in one of the bush towns he rotated through. Even some of those had too many people for his liking.
“I should’ve talked to you about this before giving you my collar. Or maybe before that. Because I don’t know if living in the bush is something you’d even consider. It kills me to think of living without you, but I’d be like a caged wild animal if I had to be in the city all the time. I wouldn’t be able to be a good Daddy to you, and I don’t think you’d like me much. So if town life all the time is what you need, I’m not sure how we’re going to make this work.”
His stomach pitched and he felt like he might puke. Voicing the possibility of losing his love bug out loud brought on the worst nausea he’d ever had. And the mere possibility was a shadow of how he’d feel if she said she needed to stay in Anchorage or maybe even head down to the lower forty-eight.
* * *
Her poor Daddy.
Cricket always thought of him as invincible and perfect, confident and steady. Could you be all those things and still deeply human? Had she robbed him of the ability to be vulnerable by seeing him that way?
She couldn’t crush him with her love as much as she wanted to in this position so she rearranged herself into a straddle over his lap and threw her arms around his neck.
“I don’t care where I am as long as I’m with you, Daddy.”
Daddy hugged her back but also sighed and used a grip on her biceps to create distance between them.
“That is so sweet, Cricket, and it makes me feel so good. But it would be one thing to say I wanted to move out to the suburbs from the city. Surviving in the bush is more like being on a different planet and some people can’t live that way.”
“I get that. Some of it sounds kinda scary but the other things you’ve told me about Enclave sound amazing. Why do you think I want to be in the city anyway? I don’t.”
Daddy blinked and his dark brows drew together. “You don’t?”
“No. I moved to Anchorage as kind of a stepping stone. To get used to some things about Alaska and save up money.”
“I think it’s your turn to tell me a story, sweetheart.” He tapped the tip of her nose and the silly gesture made her smile. “Turns out there’s a lot about you I don’t know.”
“Um, okay.” This hadn’t been what she had in mind but it was probably good for them to get to know each other better. It was funny, actually, that they’d been so intimate in some ways but hardly knew each other in others.
She sat up, and enjoyed the feel of Daddy settling his hands on her hips. It always felt so good when he held her. His touch made her feel grounded, and she thought about where she should start.
“I grew up on my grandparents’ farm until I was in high school. And then the land, it just wasn’t producing the same. They were already having a hard time competing against corporate farms, it’s expensive to get certified organic which is how some other farms made it work, and my grandpa wasn’t doing so good. I begged them to keep the farm. I told them I would drop out of school to help but they sold it. I thought grief was only for losing people, but it’s for anyone or anything you love. Maybe being away from the bush for you is like being away from the farm for me.”
“Could be, babygirl. I had no idea. I’m really glad we’re having this talk.”
“I am too, even if it’s hard. I like knowing more about you.”
