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“Malachi, stay.” If he didn’t stay and she wanted a repeat of the night before, I didn’t trust myself not to do that for her. Just one look at her body in that dress had me reconsidering why that wasn’t a good idea.
Malachi stayed but switched into his horse form.
I gave him a look, wondering why.
Easier to disguise my reactions in this form,he sent me.
“Ah. Wise,” I agreed.
“Where were you, Keir?” Esta demanded.
“The bonfire. Where were you?”
She gestured with her hands, clearly frustrated. I noted the ring I gave her was on her pointer finger. “Here. Obviously.”
“Well, you should have been down there,” I offered as I casually took a seat in the chair away from her. She looked entirely too good tonight. Distance was needed.
She closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. One that seemed tinged with pain somehow. “I wanted to be. But I knew I would want to shift if I went down there. And I am not ready to.”
“Malac—”
“Malachi is far braver. He also does not share the burden of knowing that if I cannot go back and forth, my crown will be ripped off my head and given to another.” She paused and then added quietly, “You didn’t spend any time with my cousin?”
My eyes briefly went to Malachi’s in disbelief. I had seen her with Zaire, with my own two eyes, and she was truly asking this of me? “Morana? No, Esta. Though it is rich of you to ask because though it might not have meant as much to you, last night did mean something to me.”
“I never said it didn’t mean anything,” she argued, taking a step in my direction.
I leaned back into the chair and clenched my jaw. “Oh, then tell me, was itmeyou thought of when you tastedhim?”
She stilled, and I wasn’t sure she was even breathing anymore. “I—” She paused. “He wanted to see if there could still be something there. But all I thought of was all the things he has done these past few years and that I am not who I was nine years ago.”
I didn’t say anything. She didn’t say anything. Silence and pain wrapped around us both.
She finally broke it. “He was out of line down there with you. Again. You handled it well. I have been waiting here for you for hours. Worried. And I just—” she shrugged “I want you, okay? I wantyou.”
It was my turn to give a sigh of defeat. “Esta, I am angry, a bit jealous, yeah. But I also understand this. What it feels like to be thrown at potential brides and then encouraged in one direction and not another. I understand that pressure. Hell, I can even understand why a part of you wanted to see if you could reconcile anything with Zaire.” I paused. “But I cannot be your secret. I cannot touch you and love you at night and just pretend it doesn’t happen in the light.”
I walked to her, stopping inches from touching her, knowing what I needed to say and hating myself for it. “I can’t do this temporarily, no matter how much I want it. I don’t want it temporarily. I want so much more than that.”
A tear slipped out of her eyes. “I can’t give you forever, Keir. I don’t have forever to give.”
“Well, I can’t pretend to give you right now when I have f?—”
“Don’t,” she snapped, her tears now spilling over and multiplying. “Don’t you dare say it. It only makes this harder.”
I swallowed hard. “So does a repeat of last night when you apparently already know you’ll never choose me back.” I wanted to reach out and hold her. I wanted to kiss her and remind her of how well our bodies fit together. I wanted to forget all about crowns and wars. All the noise.
I wanted us to be just Esta and Keir again, but we never really were to begin with.
“Do you regret it?” she whispered.
I didn’t have to think about it. “No.” After a moment I added, “Do you?”
“I—” she stopped. “I may eventually. If the ghost of your touch is all I have left when you leave.”
“I don’t want to leave, Esta,” I admitted.
She wiped at her tears, and it was as if I saw the queen mask fall down into place. “I don’t want you to either, but the fact remains. Your father poisoned my people. They will never accept you as king consort.”
