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“Why aren’t you a doctor or something?” I say. “I’ve been wanting to ask, but I don’t want you thinking I think less of your career or anything. It’s really fucking cool you travel all over playing music. I was just wondering—”
“Why did I get half of a medical school degree if I was just going to quit and become a street performer?”
“That’s exactly what I didn’t want you to think.”
“Relax, Jack,” she says. “I know you wouldn’t think that.”
“Good. Because I don’t.”
She sighs. “I guess I just preferred making beauty to saving lives. I’m selfish like that.” She smiles, but there’s a trace of sadness in it.
“You’re not,” I say.
She worries her bottom lip. “I... well, I really did like emergency psychiatry. I liked the people and the science, but I never really wanted to be a doctor. Long story short, I realized that while I liked medicine, I loved music. Maybe it’s a silly reason—”
“It’s not silly. It makes sense to me. I did make a living jabbing ink into people’s skin. Now I do it selling alcohol. Imagine the world without art or music?” I look up at her. “ImagineIrelandwithout alcohol.”
She laughs.
“And weren’t you just telling me how important beauty is? Take your own advice, ciaróg.”
She sighs. “I suppose you’re right.”
I make the last stroke of the drawing I’m working on. “Speaking of important things, want to see something incredibly useless?”
“Always.”
I hold up the Post-it pad for her and flip through it. Raine’s face lights up as the drawing of Sebastian comes to life. He picks up the toy baguette and flops onto the ground.
“Useless and silly and important,” she says. “My favorite kind of beautiful.”
The musicians arrive then, and Ollie calls to Raine. “Will you still be here for a few minutes?” she asks when she stands up from the table.
I nod.
“Perfect,” she says. “I’ll be right back.”
I watch her race across the pub to greet the musicians. I don’t hear what she tells them, but they both laugh. I look around. Almost every table has someone sitting at it. The pub is exactly what I always hoped it would be—a place filled with laughter and excitement.
But I can’t enjoy it, because the thoughts won’t leave me alone, and I’m too exhausted to fight them. My fingers are restless, so I try to keep myself occupied doodling on Post-its, but not even that can dim the noise of my thoughts.
I feel something brush against my legs and look down to find Sebastian. I set my pen on the table and crouch down to pet him.
“Hey, Bash.” Sebastian rubs his face against my hand. Living at Nina and Ollie’s has been great, but I do miss having him around. He’s usually glued to my side at work and at home.
“Have you been good, bud?” I ask, giving him a scratch behind his ears. The best thing about Sebastian is that he always knows when I’m upset. He knows, and yet he can comfort me without worrying, or trying to help, or judging me. He doesn’t wonder if he did something that caused me to be this way, like Mum and Ollie do. He just lets me know that he sees what I’m dealing with. He’s just... there. Which is really all I want. Dealing with OCD is hard enough on its own. Dealing with everyone’s feelings aboutmyOCD is why I keep it to myself most of the time, even when I’d really like to talk about it with the people in my life.
“Hey, Keurig. Hey, floofs.”
I look up and find Raine standing beside the table. She searches my face. “Think you’re up for a walking meeting?”
I look across the pub to where the musicians are setting up. “You’ll miss the beginning of the music.”
She shrugs. “I’ll catch it next time. I’ve been here all day, so I could use some fresh air. It won’t be long. We can just do a loop around the block or something.”
“Okay, yeah.” I give Sebastian one last scratch, then tuck the pen and Post-it pad in my pocket, relieved to have an excuse to escape for a while. “Let’s go.”
The musicians have just started playing when we step outside.
