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I roll my eyes. “You know what type of fun I’m talking about.”
Jack clears his throat. “Just checking.” He gives Sebastian a pat,then gets to his feet. I find myself holding my breath when he comes nearer and sits beside me on the couch. “I’d like that type of fun too. Obviously. But...” He tugs gently on a strand of my hair, his hand so close that I feel the heat of it on my cheek. I search his face, but he doesn’t meet my gaze. His eyes are on my hair between his fingers. He looks as if it pains him to touch it. I don’t understand. The touch. The look. Why we can’t give in to this attraction between us, when we both clearly want to.
“I haven’t told you everything about my OCD,” he says.
“Jack... Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”
He shakes his head. “You don’t know what I’m going to say.”
“So tell me, and I’ll show you.”
“I want you to think the best of me.” He lifts his gaze to mine. “Please, always think the best of me.”
I search his face, trying to figure out what it is that has him so terrified. With OCD the possibilities are endless. Anything can be an obsession. But irrational thoughts are just thoughts. I know that. But I also know how hard it is to truly believe that when you’re the one having the thoughts. Especially if not everyone in your life has been understanding.
“I do,” I say. “Of course I do.”
Jack is completely still for a moment, and then he drops his fingers from my hair. When he speaks again, his voice is quiet, like he’s not sure he wants to say it at all. “My OCD... It’s not just thoughts of bad things happening to people. That’s a big part of it, but there’s also... I have thoughts about hurting people. I see myself doing the worst things. Awful, violent things. I can’t see a knife, or a pair of scissors, or walk into a crowded room without my first thought being...” He shakes his head, as if unable to finish his sentence. “I know I’d never hurt anyone, I’d never hurt you... but... what if I’m wrong? What if that violent person is the real me, and I’m justpretending to be someone else?” He glances up at me, his expression pleading. “You don’t think I’m capable of hurting anyone, right?” As soon as he says it, he squeezes his eyes shut. “No, don’t answer that. I’m not supposed to ask for reassurance like that.”
Oh, Jack. I knew he worried about bad things happening to people, but this... I want to tell him that everything will be okay. I want to tell him that, no, I don’t think he’s capable of hurting someone. “I had no idea.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. It wasn’t always this bad. I was in recovery for a long time but...” He turns away from me and rubs a hand over his face. “I haven’t told anyone this. I haven’t even wanted to admit it to myself. It was just small stuff at first but... I think I may be having a bit of a... relapse.”
A bit of a relapse.How very like Jack to minimize his own problems.
“The thoughts are harder to manage right now,” he says. “And if I’m with someone, even casually, things will come up. I should’ve told you sooner, but I didn’t want to scare you. I didn’t want you to look at me and wonder if I was thinking about horrible things. I liked you too much, and it happened so fast, and I was... scared, about what was happening to me and what you would think. I didn’t want things to change, and I’m sorry if I misled you, and... Well, the point is, I can’t promise having fun with me would be very fun. So it’s probably a bad idea. Not that you’d still be interested in me anyway.” He laughs, but there’s no humor to it. “Who wants to be with someone who thinks like I do, right? Even if it’s just casual?”
“What your thoughts are about... that’s no one’s business.” I say. “You don’towethat to anyone. You and your thoughts are not the same thing. If you don’t want to be with someone right now because it’s too much on top of everything else, that’s one thing. But if it’s because you think you don’t deserve to be with someone... Jack, you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be in recovery or haveeverything under control. You deserve to be happy. Not later, but right now. You deserve as much happiness as you can get. And for what it’s worth, I think plenty of people would want to be with you exactly the way you are. Including me.”
When Jack’s eyes meet mine, I feel as if we’re playing a game of chess, only I have no idea whose move it is. There are a thousand possibilities. I could lean forward and kiss him. Or I could pull him to me and kiss him. Or I could shove him down onto this couch and kiss him. Or I could—
The door buzzes, and Jack looks away. “Are you expecting someone?”
“No.” I have no idea who could be buzzing at my door, but whoever it is, I am very annoyed with them. “Maybe they’ll just go away if we ignore them.”
Jack looks as if he’s considering it when the buzzer sounds again. “It’s late,” he says. “I should at least check who it is. Stay here, okay?”
I follow Jack to the door, then watch as he descends the steps. “Just a second!” he hollers when the buzzer sounds again. He reaches the door, and after looking out the window, turns back to me and says, “There’s some woman standing out there with a suitcase.”
“What?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know her. Maybe she’s at the wrong place.”
I’m nearly down the steps when Jack opens the door, but his body blocks whoever it is from view.
“Hello?” he says.
“Hello, yourself,” a woman’s voice replies.
I know who it is the instant I hear her voice. When I peer around Jack, I wonder if this entire night has been a dream. Because that neat brown hair and that scarf... they don’t belong here.
“What are you doing here?” I say.
“Visiting you, of course! I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.”
“I’m sorry,” Jack says, “but who are you, exactly?”
She gives Jack a look that makes me want to tie a luggage tag around his wrist with my name on it. “Well, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend, Raine?”
