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“Is everything okay there?”
“Everything’s fine.”
Ed sighs. “You called twelve times, Jack.”
I could’ve sworn it was eight, but I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. I don’t say anything.
“And Ollie and the girls are okay?” Ed asks.
“Everyone’s grand. Can I talk to Mum?”
Ed sighs. “Jack... I’ll have her call you later.”
“But—”
“You worry her, you know.”
“I’m fine.”
“I know you’re the worrying sort—”
“Ed, can we not—”
“But it seems worse lately. You call a lot more. You seem agitated. Your Mum is totally safe here. I’m looking out for her, okay?”
It’s not okay. Because it isn’t just her being away that’s the problem. I worry about her being away withhim.I’ve never seen him so much as angry, but you can’t really know what a person is like. Da was the most charming fella you’d ever meet, until he started beating the shite out of you. And me... the horrible things I think. How am I supposed to believe Ed is safe and trustworthy, when I can’t even trust myself?
“You can’t be responsible for everyone, Jack. You’ll kill yourself trying. You’ve got to live with a little uncertainty.”
“Where’d you get that one from?”
Ed laughs. “I’m not sure, but I’m going to say I came up with it myself. Just take care of yourself, okay? You don’t have to take care of your mum anymore.”
You don’t have to take care of your mum anymore.Ed might think he knows what we went through with Da, but he doesn’t. He only knows what Mum tells him, and Mum only sees what she wants to see. She only acknowledges as much as she can stand to.
I step from the room and shut the door behind me. My thoughts are spiraling as I make my way downstairs, where I put on my boots, starting with the right one.
—
When I finally make it to the pub, I’m surprised to find it’s busier than I expect. Every stool at the bar is taken. Every table is occupied. It’s not the first time this has happened, especially over the last few weeks. But there is something different about tonight. I’m not sure what.
I’m also not sure I can stay out here long enough to figure it out. The incident with the light switch and the phone call with Ed feel stuck to my nerves, as if the fear and circling thoughts are still right there waiting, and anyone—anything—can bring them back. Just the thought of the thoughts has my heart picking up the pace.
I should’ve come in through the back. I glance at the front door, tempted to slip out and walk around so I can close myself in my office before anyone can notice me. Better yet, I can escape the pub completely and walk back to Nina and Ollie’s place. The thoughts will follow me no matter where I go, but at least there won’t be anyone to see it. And by anyone, I mostly mean Raine. Somehow I don’t think another mental breakdown will add to the allure of staying in Cobh.
I eye the door to the pub. The temptation to take the easy way out and walk away is strong. But I’m the one who put Raine up to this, and if I can just get her to see that she can play her own music, then maybe she’ll work up the courage to record it, and maybe she’ll decide to stick around here to do it. But now, I see how truly awful this scheme is. How can I ask her to stay in Cobh for a few more weeks when I can’t even stay in this pub for a few minutes?
Just as I take my first step toward the door, I hear my brother call my name. I pretend I don’t hear him and take another step.
I shouldn’t be here. I’m not in the right headspace.
Before I can reach the door, Ollie’s hand is on my shoulder, and I can’t pretend I don’t hear him now.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he says.
“Home.” I try to take another step, but Ollie’s grip on my shoulder keeps me in place.
“Oh, no you don’t, Jackie. You’re not leaving me to close up after this mob all on my own. You know Aoife’s leaving early tonight.”
