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At some point, after the modifications and endless missions that he barely survived, he’d finally understood that it’s hard to love an idea. There is no love if it’s one-sided. And it was. Craig gave himself fully to an idea, a nation, a cause, and there wasn’t any devotion in return.
He was empty, and there was nothing and no one to make him complete. They didn’t want him satisfied or happy. Didn’t want him to rest.
It had been an awful realization.
All Craig’s ever wanted is to be loved and needed. Valued. Taken apart by someone who had to have him. He’s made so many decisions that have left him hurt and ashamed, scared and alone, and there has never been the payoff he wanted there to be. He’s given everything, and he’s never gotten back what he needed until now.
For a while, he didn’t know what he needed. And then he didn’t know how to get it. Later, he hoped that maybe a good cause would get it for him, that maybe there was some other satisfaction he could have besides the things he’d imagined since the first time he got hard.
When he’d learned there were men that submission was acceptable for, he’d known that was the answer for him, too. The men who were transformed into submissives gave both their bodies and lives to their country. They were heroes who had given the most. They gave their “very manhood” to their country.
They wouldn’t have children, wouldn’t marry, and were more wretched than any addict, but acceptable because it wasn’t their fault. They hadn’t chosen that. It was part of the service they’d given to the country.
Pitiable and tragic but respectable.
Craig had signed up as soon as he could. He’d told no one of his proclivities, confessed to nothing, had answered all the questions as he thought a proper man who wasn’t submissive would, and then they’d asked him if he’d volunteer even if he came back submissive, and he’d said he would… so long as he wasn’t alone at the end. And then they’d offered him money and training if he was willing to be submissive, and he’d agreed. The conditions around his transformation were similarly selfishly motivated.
He’d have to be given a Dominant of his very own. And then he’d demanded the submission be easier to endure, easier to withstand getting used a lot, but the truth was he craved it desperately.
Craig’s always fantasized about being used hard. They’d told him there might be genital changes in the men he’d “mate” with, and of course he’d said yes. If he was lucky enough to get a Dominant who wanted to put a knot and come inside him, then he wanted to be the best fuck they ever had.
He was perfectly happy for them to make his proclivities worse, tinker with him and change him so long as he had someone to take care of him. Use him the way he needed to be used.
They changed him from the inside out, made him physically perfect and beautiful on the outside, and gave him an inside that could satisfy the most demanding partner.
And now he’s here with Sam. His Dominant. And if he gets to keep the man whose knot is stretching him open, then every single thing was worth it.
Later, when his cycle is over, and he’s alone again, this is one of the moments he’ll think of the most often. Being held and taken care of while he spent the afternoon in subspace.
Craig comes out of it just as the sun starts to set and cries all over his Daddy’s shirt so loudly that he can probably be heard through the walls. He didn’t know he could cry so hard.
And his Daddy is so kind and knows just what to say: Of course he’s upset with so much change. It needs to come out. This is part of Craig’s cycle, the release of his own toxic hormones and how his body gets rid of them. There’s so much sadness and grief that has to be released, and it’s a good thing. His Daddy is proud of him.
It’s good and embarrassing.
His Daddy feeds him again and takes him to bed, and Craig is tired but very docile, slipping deep into subspace before Sam is fully seated inside him.
They both sleep like the dead.
16
He’s never had a submissive partner react as Craig does. As if his heart is breaking.
It isn’t an act, but Sam isn’t sure how much of it is mental versus physical. How much of Craig’s desire was programmed into him, a response to training and brainwashing, and how much is because of his naturally submissive tendencies?
“Tendencies” isn’t the right word. That implies Craig could go without, and he isn’t sure Craig can. What if it isn’t just that Craig wants his Dominant’s release but needs it? Is that possible?
Some submissives do become dependent on a Dominant’s release and need the hormones for their own emotional stability and sense of well-being. It’s rare and illegal because no submissive wants to be forced to need one specific Dominant. The military didn’t spend too long with those experiments because they were expensive and imprecise.
Plus, the public backlash when it was discovered was swift.
The military was accused of trying to create medical patients to experiment upon, as well as a class of submissive soldiers who were incapable of making uncoerced decisions. If a submissive is addicted to what a specific Dominant gives them, then they’ll say or do almost anything for their next fix.
All of that was outlawed over twenty years ago, though he isn’t sure when it started. Was Craig part of that group of experiments?
How does Craig’s difficulty with milking fit into that hypothesis? Sam has no idea. His mind is mush. He’s too hungry and tired to work it out but will talk about it with the doctor when he gets a chance. It changes nothing, and they just have to get through this cycle.
“You’re a good boy,” he says, fingers slowly rocking in and half out of Craig’s hole.
