AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He looks a little contrite, but says, “We opened up our home to him, gave him a good place to stay, and he ran away at the first sign of trouble.”
“You can’t really blame him. He’s only had himself to look out for all his life. He probably didn’t know what else to do,” Mom says before turning to me. “You should invite him over for dinner tomorrow.”
“I don’t know…I haven’t seen him since we bumped into each other.” It’s not strictly the truth since he came storming to the naval base to yell at me about his car, but I don’t want to get into all of that with my parents.
“Well, I’m sure he told you where he’s staying. At least go ask him. It’s not going to kill you.”
“All right, all right.” I lift my hands in a show of surrender. “I’ll ask him and text you about it.”
Dad doesn’t say anything, but I get the feeling he doesn’t want me bring Shawn by. It was never his idea for them to foster Shawn, but he went along with it pretty quickly. I think like Mom, he felt sorry for Shawn when they met. But when his leaving hurt Natalie, I think that was all that mattered to Dad.
I want Shawn back in my life so much that it hurts. But I’m scared that maybe there are just too many ghosts between us.
***
After I leave my parents’ house, I head to the cemetery. Although I want to see Shawn again, I’m hoping he won’t be at Natalie’s grave tonight. I just want to be alone with my sister.
Fortunately, when I get there, the place is pretty much deserted. I feel bad that I didn’t bring any flowers like I usually do, but I see that someone has already left some. Yellow petunias. Natalie’s favorites.
Shawn was already here. Mom and Dad never come here, so I know neither one of them left her flowers. All her friends stopped coming long ago; not that I blame them. They have their own lives to get to.
I sit on the warm ground and reach a hand to brush the petunias with my fingers. “Hey. Sorry it’s been a few days. I know if you were here, you’d tell me to be more like your friends and move on with my life. But this is so much fucking harder than I thought it would be.”
My throat tightens with a familiar ache, and I release the petunias so I can pull away from the tombstone. “I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should be angry with Shawn for leaving the way he did, but I also think…you wouldn’t want that either. You knew how we felt about each other. At least, how I felt about him. I don’t know; maybe he never felt anything.”
The wind blows, tousling my hair. It feels just like when Natalie would do it to me when we were teenagers. I used to pull away from it because it embarrassed me, even though it was one of her ultimate gestures of affection.
The first time she did it to Shawn, he’d ducked like he thought she might hit him. He tried to laugh it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but all Natalie and I had to do was look at each other to know what the other was thinking.
I close my eyes, wishing it were her fingers tousling my hair right now. I’d never pull away from her again. I wish I’d known how limited my time was with her. I would’ve tried harder to be a better brother. Even though it was obvious that she knew we loved her, it didn’t feel like enough. It still doesn’t.
And the logical part of me realizes it’s why I was so ready to hate Shawn for leaving. If that occupied my mind, I didn’t have to think about how much it hurt to lose Natalie.
Seven
Shawn
I meet Mark and Shanna at the beach, where they celebrated their one-year anniversary. As much as I’m enjoying working with them, I really wish I were anywhere else right now. I want to leave Charleston already. It wasn’t so bad until yesterday at the diner with Lucas.
I’d called it a goodbye, but it didn’t really feel like that. I already know in my bones that I’m going to see him again. I was never very good at telling him no. If he wants me to come around again, I will.
And I’ll deal with the consequences later.
When I reach Mark and Shanna, I find them arm-in-arm staring out at the ocean. It’s evening again, the golden sun making the waves sparkle. I stop several feet from them and take a picture of their backs. They look so good together, so at peace. I wonder what it’s like to be in that place.
I lower my camera and start toward them. “Mark! Shanna!”
They turn toward me with smiles. Shanna brushes her hair behind her ear, and Mark keeps his arm in hers as they slowly make their way to me, carefully stepping on the powdery sand.
“The pictures from the botanical gardens turned out great,” I say when they reach me. “I think you guys are going to be really happy with the final results.”
Shanna beams, but a second later, it turns into a frown. “Are you all right? You seem upset.”
“Do I?” It surprises me that she’d point it out. When I was growing up, I never let any kind of emotion show if I could help it. It was a matter of survival. Lucas must be really getting to me if Shanna can see it.
“Yeah,” Shanna says, releasing her fiancé to take my hand. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” It’s the automatic answer. The one I’ve always used. But Shanna keeps watching me, and now Mark is too. So I sigh and say, “I grew up here. Just a lot of memories.”
