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A growl rumbles low in his throat, and he pushes back in so quickly that I would’ve scooted across the bed had he not been gripping my hips.
“That’s it,” I moan. “Fuck me for all the times you wanted it and I wasn’t here to give it to you.”
It’s the magic command. His fingers sink into my skin, and he sets up a punishing pace that’s almost painful. Fuck that, it is painful. But it feels so fucking good. It feels right. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed him.
“God, you feel good,” Lucas says before lowering his head to kiss the side of my neck. “You’re still so fucking tight.”
I try to reply, to say something back, tell him how good he feels too. But no words touch my tongue. I’m too lost in the feel of him. I’d never forgotten how amazing it felt when we were together, but I tried my hardest not to think about it over the years. Missing him was like a constant physical ache. If I was going to survive, I needed to forget about Lucas.
But now here he is, giving me exactly what I need, just like he used to do. It’s like no time has passed at all. As if I could close my eyes and when I opened them again, we’d be back in Lucas’s bedroom, our skin sticky from the summer heat.
That same hunger burns between us, but now it’s mixed with the longing that only comes from pent-up frustration. Every time Lucas slams into me, I lift my hips, meeting his thrusts. I want to feel every inch of him. Remember what it was like to feel completely safe.
When that familiar heat pools in my belly, I try to hold it back. I don’t want this moment to end. I want to stay here, wrapped up with Lucas, forever.
But nothing lasts forever.
Lucas comes with a moan, his hips stuttering as he empties into me. I dig my fingers into his back, urging him closer. He only allows it enough for him to still get a hand between us, which he wraps around my weeping cock.
I bite back a whimper at the pressure, but I can’t stop my body from bucking up, sliding myself deeper against his palm. He has no right to feel this good, to makemefeel this good. And I know I should stop this because it can’t possibly amount to anything, and I’m not sure I could survive losing Lucas again.
But then he leans closer, slanting his mouth over mine in a searing kiss that I feel all the way into my soul. And as I shatter against him, I realize it doesn’t matter how many miles I put between us; I’ll never be able to outrun what I feel for Lucas.
Four
Lucas
When I wake up the next morning, it takes me a second to remember where I am. The bed is comfier than mine, and the drapes are pulled completely closed.
I turn my head to see Shawn still asleep beside me. He’s on his stomach, snoring softly. Despite the dim lighting, I can still make out the scars lining the skin of his back. They’re deep grooves, crisscrossing from one side to the other. I’d asked him about them one time, and he’d told me his birth father had whipped him back when Shawn was still living with him.
I was sixteen the first time I saw them. I couldn’t believe someone would do that to any kid, let alone their own. He’d been so blunt about it, his voice devoid of emotion like it was no big deal. But I saw the pain in his eyes. It was the first time he ever let me hug him.
Fuck, what have I done? I shouldn’t let myself get involved with Shawn. Not again. It feels like a betrayal to Natalie because how upset she was when she realized he had disappeared is forever burned in my memory. But it’s also because I promised myself if I ever saw him again, I wouldn’t let him affect me the same way.
I wasn’t supposed to let him back in.
As quietly as I can, I slide out of the bed, grab my clothes from the floor, and hurry out the door. I pass a cleaning cart on my way to the elevator, and people bustle around, checking out. Once I’m in the elevator, I pull my phone from my pocket to check the time. Just after seven.
I have just enough time to get home and shower before my shift. Working at a landscaping company in the south means getting to work early so we don’t all collectively die of heatstroke.
Still, I love my job. I’d started college to go into med school, but I’d underestimated how hard it would be to go back to a hospital setting. In our first year, they took us on a tour of the local hospital, and I quit that day. I walked out of the tour and never looked back.
I think Natalie would understand. At least, I hope she would.
Even though I know logically it’s not healthy, sometimes I feel like I’m trying to live for her too. Her life was cut so short, and I’m still here. Landscaping was a good option because Natalie loved nature, and I could see her working something like this too. Maybe I’ll go back to school at some point, but not right now.
When I get home, I take a quick shower and throw a new set of clothes on before getting back in the car. On the way to work, I call a towing company to take care of Shawn’s car. One of the guys I knew in high school owns the place, and I know Killian will make sure his car’s in working order quickly. I tell him where Shawn’s staying, so he can get in touch with him about the car, but I give my credit card number for the charge.
I feel a little bad about the way last night went. When he stayed with us back then, he was full of secrets, but I knew he loved Natalie just as much as I did. He would never leave just because he was scared or didn’t want to be around someone who had cancer, like I accused him of last night.
No, it was something else. Something that could potentially hurt me or someone else. It’s the one thing that would make him stay silent. Because Shawn is more loyal than anyone I’ve ever met.
When I get to the navy base, I meet up with Benny in the parking lot. He whistles when he sees me.
“Right on time, man. What’s up? You never cut it this close.”
“Slept in.” I could tell him about Shawn, but that would involve telling him about all the other stuff. After Shawn left, I did my best to forget about him, meaning I never talked about him. Not to anyone. Killian remembers because we were good friends when Shawn lived with us, but these guys I met through work? They have no clue. Most of them don’t even know about Natalie.
