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Jesse sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “Right. And if I had any idea he was going to say...that...I never would have pushed him. I feel horrible. I shouldn’t have even offered a date with Theo in the first place; it was insensitive and I should’ve asked him first.”
“Thank you for checking with me about the questions,” Raina offered. “Look, Jes, I know you. You have some great ideas, and you always put 110% effort into them. It’s great to live in the moment, but you need to be careful when that moment involves others.”
“Yeah. I fucked up.”
“Just a little.”
“You can admit it, I fucked up a lot.”
“You’re okay with Theo being gay though, right? That’s not the problem?”
Jesse was quick to nod. “Of course. I mean, Zara’s been out for years, and it doesn’t change how I feel about her. I’m not my uncles.”
“Of course not,” Raina agreed. “But something must have held him back from telling you. I mean, it seemed like Dean knew.”
Jesse hesitated before shaking his head. “No. It’s a Theo thing. He’s the type of person to hide something for years before telling even his closest friends. I’m not surprised he told Dean first, and I would bet anything that Nicole knew too. She’d be the best person to go to if you were questioning your sexuality. But not Zara. If Zara knew, I would know. She wouldn’t have been able to hide it from us cousins. She’d want to shower Theo with rainbow buttons and stuff. Which is great and all, but he has to be ready for that.”
“I didn’t know Nicole and Theo were close.”
“That’s Nicole’s story. You’d have to talk to her about it.”
“Maybe I will,” Raina decided, surprising herself with the answer. “Later, though. She’s probably with Theo now.”
Jesse squeezed his eyes shut. “Ugh, I feel horrible, Raina. I know I already said that, but I really, really do. And I can’t go after him because we have to finish this stupid livestream.”
“Family’s more important than a livestream. You should go after him. I can finish this up.”
Jesse shook his head. “I already messed up one thing today. Let me finish this. I shouldn’t have called it a stupid livestream because it’s not. It’s for you, so it could never be stupid.”
Now Raina felt bad. She shouldn’t be keeping Jesse there when he needed to be with his family. He and his cousins were close in a way that Raina could only dream of. Jesse finally opened his water bottle and downed half of it in one desperate gulp.
“I can’t stop thinking about Theo,” he whispered. “What happened…it’s like all my worst nightmares coming true. I hurt him. Badly. I feel horrible, Rai.”
“You care so much, Jesse,” she said softly, taking his free hand and squeezing it. “That’s a good thing.”
“Not when it hurts the people I care about.”
Half an hour later, it was all over. Jesse had been called over to the camera to give his final remarks and Raina stayed by the drinks table. She had busied herself with tidying up, unable to keep from glancing at Jesse every few moments.
Even now, as they exited the dining hall together, each carrying a bag of camera supplies and mics, she couldn’t keep herself from sneaking looks at him.
“Stop overthinking,” Jesse said sternly, nudging her shoulder with his own.
Raina bit her lip guiltily. “I wasn’t overthinking.”
“Bullshit. I know you, Rai. I know when you’re overthinking.”
“Fine. I can’t stop thinking about Theo and what happened earlier…but also about us. And I know that ‘us’ isn’t a priority right now because so many other things take precedence, but I can’t help but think about it.”
“It’s been on my mind lately too,” Jesse told her. “But right now, I don’t think I’m in the right headspace to talk about it. I need to focus on Theo. When we talk, you deserve 100% of my attention, not a distracted Jesse who’s only half listening.”
“I know. You should talk to Theo first.”
“I hope he still wants to talk to me.”
Raina came to a stop, causing Jesse to freeze as well. She needed a few minutes. After everything, she needed to process what had happened that day. “I think I’m going to grab a snack from my kitchen. Can you bring this back for me?”
Jesse took the camera bag from her, slinging it over his free shoulder. He looked as if he was about to follow her, but thankfully, he only nodded.
