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I swallowed, barely able to force out my next words. “Regrowth is a possibility?”
“Unfortunately, it's not only a possibility, it’s inevitable.”
“So, you’d cut open my skull?” Eli tried to take in the information and process it. “But that’s not a cure. So how long does that buy me?”
“Usually about a year. Sometimes it’s less. The five-year survival rate is less than ten percent.”
My stomach dropped out, and my blood ran cold. That was the prognosis with treatment? “A year? And if I don’t do the surgery?” he asked.
“A few months. Give or take.”
I stopped breathing. Eli was asking questions about treatment, explaining that he was an addict and that he didn’t want to do anything that required opiates. “Why does it matter?” I asked, turning to Eli.
“I need to know what the options are for someone like me.”
But you’re dying anyway?
Eli and the doctor talked a few more minutes, and he made a follow up appointment to discuss what he wanted to do.
I had no words. I couldn’t speak the whole way home. We were just told that my best friend, the love of my life, was dying. At most, I had one year with him. This can’t be true. There has to be a mistake. “We need a second opinion.” I said when I turned off the car in the driveway.
“I’m sure this guy knows what he’s talking about, Cee.”
I couldn’t help the frustration welling inside me. Or maybe, it was denial. “Well, I’m not.”
“Can you please help me into the house to talk about this?” he sighed.
“Why are you so calm about this, Eli? That man basically just gave you a death sentence!” I was yelling at him, even though I knew my anger wasn’t with him at all. The universe was taking him away from me and he was the only person around I could yell at, so naturally, as I always have, I took it out on him. Man, I’m a shit girlfriend.
“Because being calm is the only thing I’ve got right now. I’ve barely had time to understand what we were just told. Can we please just go inside? You can yell at me all you want once we’re in there, but right now, I just want to lie down and think. My leg is throbbing and, as you just pointed out, I was just told I’m going to die.” His calm demeanor was replaced with frustration.
My anger instantly flipped to sobs. Hearing him say it out loud devastated me.
He tried to turn to me but couldn’t because of his cast. “Baby, please. I can’t even hug you with that arm. Can we please just go inside?”
I sucked in breaths as I choked on the sobs I was trying to stop. I swiped at the tears with my wrist and stepped out of the car, going around to the other side to help him out and into the house. Trying to tame my tears, I helped him out of the lone shoe he wore and into the bed. Then I went to the kitchen and grabbed water for both of us.
I ran my hands under the cool water at the kitchen sink, splashing some on my face, trying to get my shit together. Eli had always been my rock, and I needed to suck it up and be there for him, not wallow in self-pity.
I went back to the bedroom and curled up on his uninjured side.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “This is just so hard. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and I’m over here, making it worse. Seriously, why do you put up with me?”
“I have no idea.” A small smile cracked his lips. “But I think it’s mostly because I love you. Plus, I’ve always known that you are a crazy bitch, so it helps.”
“I thought we escaped the danger, E. I thought when you woke up from that accident that things would be fine. Now we’re talking about brain surgery and chemotherapy. It’s insane.”
“I’m not doing it.” His voice was just above a whisper.
I looked up at him, seeing a tear falling from his eye. “What do you mean? Not doing it?”
“Katie, I’m dying.”
His words broke me all over again. “And surgery will give you an entire year.”
“Maybe. There’s no guarantee. And that whole time I’ll spend in and out of the hospital and on chemo. I don’t want to prolong it.”
“Your life? Why not? It’s the only one you get!”
