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What kind of question was that!
"How I saved you." His voice had finally started to crack and he shut his mouth with a snap, his jaw flexing as his teeth ground together.
My expression widened, the muscles around my eyes stretching as far as they could go. "You had another option?"
When he shrugged, I wanted to hit him.
"Answer me!"
His mouth opened then closed, making him look like a fish that had just been plucked from its bowl. Seeing him flounder sent a small thrill shooting through me. Whether as Dean or Adrian, Ramirez was a man who knew the right word and when to use it. He’d had mere seconds to save me from Condor. He’d stared down Gaetz after the door had been busted in and walked me out of that drug house with a duffel full of the club's heroin. He’d clearly fought other battles in the months since we parted and he had survived. Condor and Gaetz had not.
Yet here he was…at a loss…at last.
I repeated my demand, gently this time. "How can I answer you, Adrian, if you won’t answer me?"
Adrian shook his head.
"Condor and Griz wouldn't have let you walk away. Condor had the knife and I don't know what else. Griz had a .357 tucked into the back of his pants. My Beretta was tucked in my boot."
His hands pulled toward his stomach, both of them tightening into fists like he was still surrounded by danger.
"I don’t know if there was another option. I’ll never know. I didn't act on training or reason. Fuck, thinking wasn’t part of the equation."
He put his foot on the floor, braced himself with a hand on each knee and stared straight into my eyes. "I acted on impulse—on desire."
I gave one slow nod as the answer sank in and then I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him and still say what I wanted to say.
"You want me to forgive you?"
"Yes."
I took a deep breath in, released it with a glacial slowness.
"For stripping me naked and tying me to the bed?"
He swallowed so hard I could hear it. "Yes."
"For touching me when I pleaded with you to let me go?"
"Yes." His voice cracked at the admission.
I opened my eyes.
"For letting Dimebag watch?"
Adrian looked, for a second, like he was going to throw up but then he swallowed and nodded, some of the color returning to his blanched features.
I tilted my head, my chin angling up in partial denial. I was close to crying again, my nails digging into the palm of my hands as I fought my tears and the muscles tightening in my chest.
"And for abandoning me to strangers—to a bully like Cohen?"
He sucked a deep breath in. Exhaling, it sounded like my question had punctured his lung. When he spoke again, every word came out raw and dripping blood.
"I understand. You can't…shouldn’t…"
He trailed off then nodded before meeting my gaze again.
"Down deep, I already know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness."
