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My throat tightened, and I leaned down to kiss his knuckles, something I hadn’t realized I’d missed doing until just now. “I think I was. I’d assumed you never wanted to see me again, so when you came into my office…” I trailed off as I rested my head on the pillow.
“But you weren’t defensive,” Owen whispered. “I know you. I know what you’re like when you’re ready to argue, even when you know you’re wrong.”
My cheeks heated, and I managed a halfhearted chuckle. “Am I really that transparent?”
His laugh was almost soundless, but it made that ache in my chest burn even hotter. He was such a beautiful man in every way. God, I missed him so much. I missedus. There was a reason I’d truly learned the meaning of regret this year.
Unaware of my thoughts spinning out again, Owen quietly said, “Yeah, you’re easy to read. Stubborn as hell, too.” Sobering a little, he exhaled. “That wasn’t you when I walked into your office. And even when we both realized I was missing a year of my memory, I don’t think I ever saw anything to make me think you saw it as an opportunity to—”
“Never,” I said quickly.
“I know.” He gave a slight nod. “I guess… I mean, I don’t remember a damn thing over the last year, but there’s no coming away from the last twenty-four hours or so and thinking you don’t regret what you did.”
I pressed my lips together. I’d wished a million times over that he could eventually forgive me. If that was too much to ask—and it probably was—then I could live with him at least knowing that I regretted it. Now that we were here… Fuck. The guilt hadn’t been this bad when he’d still hated me.
He wasn’t done yet, either.
“When you broke down earlier…” He sighed squeezing my hand. “That wasn’t fake.”
And that wasn’t a question.
“No, it wasn’t.” My voice came out thin and ragged. “Not at all.”
Owen met my gaze. “I don’t know what to think right now. Or what to feel. About… About anything.” The conflict and confusion in his expression were salt on my reopened wounds. “Two days ago, we were still us. Yesterday, I found out you cheated on me and we broke up a year ago.” He grimaced. “And I don’t… I mean, yeah, I’m angry and hurt, but it’s also… It doesn’t feel real. I don’t mean in the sense that I’m in denial and I can’t believe it happened—it’s like it happened to someone else. Or… I don’t know. The year that’s gone by—I don’t remember any of it, and most of the time, it literally just feels like a single night went by. But other times, things from back then really do feel like a lifetime ago, and…” He blew out a breath. “None of that makes sense, does it?”
“You had your memory erased.” I reached up to stroke his hair. “I don’t imagine much makes sense.”
He closed his eyes and pressed into my hand, same as he always did. Alwayshad. “When, um…” Some color bloomed in his cheeks as he met my eyes. “When we were messing around, Ifelthow long it had been. It’s like my brain doesn’t remember, but my body does.”
I winced. I’d felt the time that had passed too—how much of a relief it was to finally be intimate with someone again, especially when that someone was him—but for very different reasons.
Owen went on, his voice getting a little thick as he spoke. “The whole time, all I could think was how much I’d missed it. And how much I’d missed you. That felt a million times more real than us breaking up. Mostly because… Because as far as I can remember, I wasn’ttherewhen we broke up. It feels like it just happened, but it also feels like I’m finding out years after the fact that an ex cheated. I’m angry, but not in the same way I would be in the moment, you know?”
I nodded slowly, though I wasn’t sure where this was going.
He stared between us with unfocused eyes for a moment. Then he met my gaze again. “Do you think we can go back?”
My heart stopped. Lips parted, I stared at him. “You… Do you want to?”
“Yes.” He found my hand again and clasped it tightly between us. “I do. I want—” But then he closed his eyes and his shoulders sank. “Except I don’t know how I’ll feel once my memory comes back.Ifit comes back. Right now, I want to be with you, but if I get my memory back and—” Pain and frustration twisted his features. “God, I don’t even know.”
Seeing him in this much pain wrecked me. Knowing I was the one who’d orchestrated that pain fucking destroyed me. All I could think to do was wrap him up in my arms and hold him to me, and when I did, he held me back just as fiercely.
A year of regret and wishing I could go back hadnothingon this. Owen still wanted me, but there was a damn good chance we were both going to lose this closeness when he got his memory back. When that horrible day came back to haunt him and he remembered just how deeply he’d been hurt—just how intensely he’d despised me—after I’d dropped that bomb in this condo.
On the other hand, he might still want to hang on. This might possibly be something we could weather in ways we couldn’t have a year ago. I might actually have him back.
And that glimmer of hope hurt more than I could put into words. Closing my eyes and holding Owen to my chest, I had to fight back tears for the second time since we’d landed in this bed, and I wasn’t having much more success this time.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured shakily into his hair.
“I know.” Owen held me tighter.
Still holding him, I was suddenly overcome with a panicked sense of urgency. The need to speak and get things off my chest because I was irrationally certain I was moments away from him kicking me out of his bed and his condo.
So, I spoke, and I spoke fast.
“The last year, there’ve been times where I almost wished I’d held off telling you until we’d had a chance to go one more round.” Sniffing sharply, I stroked his hair. “I never would’ve done it. My conscience wouldn’t have let me. But I caught myself thinking it a few times, because I wished I’d had one last chance to savor it and commit you to memory.” I cleared my throat, trying like hell not to let my voice break. “I guess today, after I came, I just… I realized this might be exactly that—the last time I’ll ever touch you.” My voice cracked as I quietly added, “And that was just too much to take.”
