AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Instantly, I sobered. The last time I remembered doing it was on the way home from the airport. Yesterday according to my mind, but a year ago according to the calendar.
It literally felt like less than twenty-four hours, but the realization that it had been much, much longer was a gut punch on top of all the other gut punches I’d had this morning.
“Hey.” Matteo appeared in front of me and touched my shoulder. “You okay?”
“Not really,” I croaked as I met his gaze. “This is all…” My shoulder sank under his hand. “I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“I know.” He offered a faint smile. “We’ll figure it out, though. I’m not sure how yet, but we will.”
My throat ached as I held his gaze.
I want my memory back.
But I don’t want to remember deciding we didn’t love each other anymore.
I don’t want to remember losing you.
Was it too much to ask to remember everything else, but to leave that part out? Probably, yeah.
I took a deep breath and cleared my throat, though it didn’t help me keep my voice steady. “Thanks. I, um… I don’t even know where to start. But thanks for the help.”
His smile was reassuring. There was something in his eyes that made me uncomfortable, though. Something he wasn’t telling me.
Why do I feel like, when this is all over, I’m going to wish I still didn’t remember?
After I’d graduatedfrom college, I’d gone back to my high school to visit a former teacher. She’d been an amazing mentor, and she’d done everything from helping me get into some advanced programs to going to bat for me when the administrators wanted to ignore some homophobic bullies. We’d stayed in touch after that, and I’d promised to stop by when I moved back to town.
Stepping into that building again had been a bizarre and surreal experience. For four years of my life, I’d spent most of my waking hours there. The architecture, the colors, the décor, the trophy case in the hallway, the lockers—it was all as familiar as the house I’d grown up in. It had been like a second home, for better or worse. A lot of growing up had happened there, along with a lot of heartache and frustration.
Returning after four years away had been a weird mix of familiar and alien. Some of the décor had changed. There were some new trophies in the case. The students all seemed way too young. The faculty who I’d seen every single day were suddenly like relatives I only saw every ten years at the odd family reunion. It was the place I’d intimately known, and… not.
That was what came to mind when I watched Matteo taking in the sight of the condo we’d once shared. He gazed around with wonder, and maybe some melancholy nostalgia, as if he were someplace from his past he’d never expected to return to.
I sure as shit hadn’t ever expected him to be a guest here. I was used to him leaving his shoes by the door and draping his jacket over a kitchen chair while he told me about the latest shenanigans of his patients. I was used to him absently tossing his lanyard and clinic ID badge someplace random, then forgetting where they were and needing me to help him find them.
Where do you leave your lanyard now?
My heart clenched as another thought tumbled forward:
Who helps you find it now?
He hadn’t mentioned another partner, and he hadn’t indicated he needed to call or text someone before coming over. Maybe he’d done that in the car or in between patients before we’d left?
I didn’t know. I didn’t think I wanted to know.
Matteo slid his hands into his jacket pockets and turned to me. “So, um… I’m not quite sure where to start. Have you checked your social media?”
I nodded. “I went back a few days. Didn’t… Didn’t go back any further because it was…” I shifted my weight and rolled my shoulders.
“Hard to take in?”
“Yeah. It’s weird to look at my own posts and photos and not remember them.”
“I bet,” he murmured. “Okay. Well.” His eyes lost focus for a moment. “Have you checked your car’s GPS?”
“Oh! No, I haven’t. That’s a really good idea.” Jesus, why didn’t I think of that? I grabbed my keys off the counter and gestured for him to follow me.
We trooped back downstairs to the parking lot, and I slid into the driver’s seat of my car. Matteo got in on the passenger side, and he watched in silence as I started the engine and pulled up the GPS.
