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"But I didn't want to. This part of me might be new, but it's at least as exciting. Besides… it changed some views."
Even though she didn't specify, she didn't have to. I knew exactly what she meant. Finally, she took a deep breath and let it out, as if that hadn't been the difficult part of the conversation.
"Kaden, do you really think you are incapable of loving someone?"
Clearly this was something she was thinking about, so I decided to address it– even though I was reluctant to talk about it, and to work out with myself what it all meant to me.
"I just don't think it would be healthy. The lines could blur, and before I know it… you know where I'm going."
"But aren't you closing yourself off to happiness? I mean, if there was a woman out there with whom you could have the perfect relationship, it would be silly not to get involved just because all the possibilities scare you."
"It would be safer for everyone involved," I replied. "Besides, it's all theory. All the failed dates prove it's a good and sensible approach, don't they?"
"Sure. For now, maybe. But what if, when you're fifty, you realize you made a big mistake and missed it all?"
"Do you think I would ever neglect or abandon my principles like that, Nika?" Even though Kaia was young at the time, she had witnessed enough of my parents' arguments to be damaged. Tears would suddenly well up in her eyes whenever someone got louder in a conversation. Even if she had nothing to do with the conversation, even if she wasn't involved. Our parents' fucked-up relationship had permanently destroyed us both, and even though we had become reasonably capable adults, there was no denying that our childhood had a huge impact on who we were today. Neither Kaia nor I had ever been in a healthy, loving relationship. In my case, it was all about sexual preferences, without the fulfillment of which I was never happy, and in Kaia's case… well, we didn't talk about what went on behind closed doors most of the time. But I knew that she had gone through a similar process as me.
And we had accepted the way things were. How we had developed, what it meant for us in the future, and how we would deal with it. So why would I ever want to deviate from that?
"Maybe it would make things easier for you. Or it might help if you worked through what's bothering you so much."
"You want to send me to therapy?"
I had expected Nikau to roll her eyes at this point. But unwilling to look at this with a little more humor, she just kept staring at me seriously. "I want you to acknowledge some of your problems and not pretend they don't exist. Wasn't the whole point to grow together and face problems we can't face alone?"
"But there is no problem. And therefore no reason to deal with anything."
I expected her to continue, but my last sentence drew only a nod from her, and the conversation seemed to be over.
"Does that mean we can drop all this nonsense now and I don't have to pretend I don't know you to prove something?"
She grinned. "Not that we've been pretending for the last few minutes," she murmured. "But don't get the idea that I have a satisfactory outcome to report. You should rethink what happens on your first dates and what conversations you have."
"You think I should tell them about my parents' problems and the importance of kinks in my life?"
"Or try telling them about your hobbies and who you are outside of the media."
Which was basically wasted energy when, within the first few seconds of a conversation, it became clear that the woman sitting opposite me was only interested in the number on my bank account. Whichever way you looked at it, it all boiled down to the fact that I clearly preferred a purely physical relationship.
"Or, in the future, you can just leave it to me to worry about my dates and concentrate on finding the right woman instead." What I said sounded harsher than I meant. But our agreement was not based on us giving each other therapy. We had an agreement about sex and our friendship. If I really thought I needed to deal with the traumas of my childhood, I certainly would.
Nikau nodded. "Fine. Then get ready to go on more dates in the next few weeks. I'm going to find so many women for you that it's almost impossible that the right one won't be there."
The thought amused me, even though I dreaded spending a lot of my time getting to know complete strangers who, after five minutes, turned out to be the same as everyone else. But for the sake of Nikau and our deal, I'd put up with it. As long as she held up her end of the bargain in ten months' time.
Nikau
Ilay on one of the sun loungers by the pool with my eyes closed. The guests who were not taking a midday nap were spending their time in the water, soft music playing in the background. So there was a lot of activity, but I didn't let it distract me. Instead, I enjoyed the commotion, listening with half an ear to what was going on.
Working in the restaurant was exhausting. Both physically and mentally. So I was all the more grateful for the quiet moments, the days when I didn't have to work. They were at my disposal. That's why I always ended up on the beach or by the pool when I wasn't on an excursion around the island, meeting up with old acquaintances.
It all felt like coming home. I even visited my old neighborhood and drove past the high school where I lived for a brief glimpse into the past. O'ahu held so many secrets and memories, and they were still right where I had left them.
I couldn't dwell on my thoughts for long though, because soon a shadow crept across my figure. When I carefully opened one eye, I realized that Kaden was standing directly above me.
"Remember that date you promised me?" he asked almost nonchalantly.
I rolled my eyes. "Really? Like now?"
