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But her use of the word also triggered the memory again. Again I heard my mother justifying her violence against my father. Again I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Kaia's fingers dug into my upper arms as she realized something was terribly amiss. "Tell me what's wrong."
I stupidly found it hard to focus on her face. She had to know. About herself.
"As she said it, I could only hear Mother shouting at Father as she hit him. 'I'm doing this out of love. I love you, don't you understand? How can this be violence when I love you? You're the most important person in my life, so you'd better put up with this for me if you want to show me that you love me too.' I remember every single word and her voice overrides everything else." I wanted to put my hands on my head to make it stop. "I can't explain it to her. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? I feel the same way, but I can't say it because it makes me think of our parents."
"Is that why you've never said it before?"
"Maybe I've loved her for over a decade, but my brain automatically associates love with domestic violence, so I'd rather ignore it than pay attention to it." But how could I ignore it when she was sitting right there in front of me, about to give me a future that I hadn't persuaded her to give me through a deal or a contract?
"I think you'll come with me for now," Kaia murmured, still not taking her hands off my upper arms.
* * *
Maybe it hadn't beena good idea to just follow Kaia, because somehow she seemed to have the glorious vision of going straight into confrontation therapy. At least that's what it felt like when I looked out of the car at the house we'd grown up in. It was now overgrown, most of the windows were smashed and the front wall was sprayed with graffiti. Once it had fitted in perfectly with the friendly neighborhood. Now it was just an eyesore. It was ironic that the exterior now resembled what had gone on inside for years. The neighbors had never noticed, so the outrage was all the greater when the beautiful facade cracked and the truth was revealed.
"I guess you don't want to end my agony. You want to make it worse and make it last for the next ten years, or how should I interpret that?" I gave Kaia a questioning sideways glance because she was leaning loosely on the steering wheel and didn't seem to be as upset as I was.
Then again, she had not received a declaration of love from the woman who played one of the most important roles in her life.
"Actually, I just want to prove something to you."
"And what is that?"
"That you can either decide to put the past behind you… or that you should consider making an appointment with a psychologist to work on your issues."
Like a bull at a gate. Wonderful. "I don't need a therapist."
"I went to one. He helped me."
"Because of our parents?"
"Among other things, yes."
I looked at her skeptically. "And you never told me?"
"Because you were always sure you didn't want or need anything like that. But since you had a panic attack after Nika told you she loved you, maybe you should think about it…"
The wordloverang in my ears again. I made a face. I was disgusted by the memory and the fact that my body reacted like this. Unnecessarily. This was justifiably inappropriate.
"Can you please not keep repeating that?" I grumbled, looking directly at her instead of continuing to look out the window.
"Why? Love isn't a bad word."
"Kaia."
"Look, a normal person wouldn't react like this. You should be happy. Come on, Kaden, you've known each other since you were little. We've been through so much together, and I've seen how close you are more than once. You never wanted to admit it, but you loved her when you didn't even know what the word meant. And that was long before you attached a false definition to it."
It felt like I was on a spinning top, going round and round, repeating the same insights. If Kaia was aware of all these things, why had she always held back and never spoken about them? I already knew the answer to that. I was the problem because I would probably always have stifled such conversations. Blocked them because I couldn't talk about it.
"So you're a master of observation, but the rest of the time you just sit back and see what happens?"
"Suggesting that you two go out came from me."
"Of course. From whom else?"
"So don't tell me I didn't do anything."
