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A conversation would certainly clear things up, but for that I would probably have to work up the courage first.
* * *
My new setupwas not ideal and it would definitely be noticed that I had changed locations. In the last twenty minutes I had turned the reading area into a neutral environment so no one could tell where I actually was, but that still didn't change the fact that I wasn't in my own bed, but on a pillow on the floor. It wouldn't make a difference because the focus was always on me, but I couldn't say I was as comfortable as usual.
I tapped away at the laptop, checking the settings again. With each viewer, I would get a notification. Each message would appear in the middle of the screen, and I had also set it to see how long someone participated in the streams. It was ridiculous in principle, but it gave me the sense of security I needed to go live in the first place. I hadn't thought it possible, but Alexander had burst the little bubble I'd been living in.
My eyes slid down my body. I cursed.
The red harness clung perfectly to my curves, fitting as well as ever, and yet it was as if I was wearing the words he had hurled at me under my skin. It was no use telling myself that no one would watch my streams if they found them disgusting. The damage was done. As I reached for the mask, I felt tears well up inside me, gathering in my eyes.
Naked and vulnerable. That hit the spot for the moment.
Normally I couldn't wait to hit the live button and put on a little show. Right now I was finding it hard to even look at the button.
It was there, waiting for me, but I couldn't bring myself to start the broadcast. With trembling fingers, I closed the laptop and grabbed my kimono to wrap myself up tightly. Then I used the app on my phone to place an order with the delivery service. I needed food. Not because I was particularly hungry, but because I needed the comfort of a hot meal.
How could Alexander play with my head like that? How could he destroy the one thing that meant something to me? Suppress a part of my personality without being present? I was irrationally afraid to go live, because for the first time since I had started, I was terrified of reading a negative comment.
What if he hadn't kept it to himself after all, and all his friends were now waiting for the notification that I had started a live broadcast? What if they flooded the chat with hate comments like those he had shouted straight into my face?
Only now did I realize that Alexander had invaded the only safe space that existed for me. He had discovered it, explored it, and then swung the axe, leaving me in irreparable chaos.
In no time I was on my feet, had dismantled the camera and restored order to the reading corner. I slipped out of the harness, packed the mask away and put on shorts and a top instead, tied up my hair and waited near the door for my food and the delivery fromStarbucks.
Outside, the lights of countless cars whizzed by, reminding me that most of them were probably on their way home. I didn't miss the mansion, because it had only ever been the place where I lived. My home was the streams and the mask, but I had just proven to myself how hard it was to go back there.
Crossing my arms, I stared out through the glass. Actually, I had assumed that everything was fine. No problems. No need to worry. Move on– just like other people.
Now I realized how much I had been lying to myself. Nothing was all right, because Alexander had inflicted a deep wound on me that I could only watch bleed. I was powerless to do anything about it. Not even able to put a bandage on it and stop the bleeding. The red liquid just kept pouring out, dripping onto the floor and forming a small puddle that kept getting bigger.
Maybe on the outside I had managed to pull myself together. Inside, however, everything seemed to have gotten messed up. Nothing was where it belonged. I no longer knew what was up and what was down. I felt vulnerable. Hurt. As if I had been shot and had no idea where the shot had come from.
When the delivery boy appeared, I silently took my order, gave him a tip, and quickly turned away.
But his question reached me before I made it to the door.
"You're sleeping in the bookstore? How cool is that?"
I looked at him over my shoulder with a thin smile. "Not half as cool as you make it out to be."
Which was probably because I slept in the warehouse and not between the bookshelves. My colleague knew about it, but I didn't want to push my luck and be found sleeping by her in the morning. Preferably with drool in the corner of my mouth and a pillow between my arms, because I wasn't used to sleeping alone and now I was constantly having trouble finding my way to the land of dreams.
"Too bad. I always liked that show when I was a kid," he replied. "But anyway. I hope you have a wonderful evening. Enjoy the food, it smells fantastic."
He was not entirely wrong. Seafood from my favorite restaurant, combined with pasta and garlic bread... it was a class of its own.
Maybe during the meal I was able to clear out some of the chaos inside me.
Lei
TheHonolulu Sunwas the largest luxury resort on O'ahu, and rightly so. It enjoyed a reputation not only for its sprawling grounds and many ways to relax, but also for its service, events, immaculate spa, and rooms, all of which were out of this world. Kaden Haoa not only put his heart and soul into everything he did, but he also got the best results possible. He enjoyed the support of his sister and, more recently, his wife. Nikau had become more than just his best friend. Seeing the two of them together reminded me that I wasn't granted with anything similar to what they had.
Kaden was also in the same business as me, attending parties at the club and lately hosting some himself. If anyone besides me was capable of sorting out my thoughts, it had to be Kaden. I didn't want to bother him with it, especially since I was used to dealing with my own problems, but in Audrey's case, I just couldn't help but get someone else's opinion.
Over and over again, I found myself thinking about keeping Audrey in my life. She hadn't been an active part of it before, but now that I could sense how it felt to have her added to my day....
Not so long ago, it would have been absolutely impossible to even entertain the thought of her taking on any role in my life other than that of a friend's daughter. Now, of course, there was no way around it, because it was impossible to think about that one night, knowing that it would never happen again.
