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My agent rolled her eyes. “I don’t dip my pecker into business, dumbass.”
“Do you actually have a pecker?” Moon Sunny Swartz asked.
“Nope,” Cher said with a laugh. “But I do have big lady balls. Can any of you act?”
They all exchanged worried glances. No one said a word. So much for my little posse having any self-confidence.
“I’ve offered all of them roles in season one ofAss the World Turns,” I admitted.
“That might have been good to know,” Sean commented with a wince as he joined the group. “As your head writer, that’s kind of important.”
I gave him an apologetic smile. “It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment deal. However, they were all part of some of the worst job and audition stories I’ve experienced. I think we can make it work.”
“Oh yes!” Corny gushed. “We’ve also been told if we suck, we only get one season.”
Sean was speechless and just nodded politely. He smiled at the new cast members, popped two gummies and wandered away.
Cher was not speechless. She rarely was. Pulling contracts out of her purse, she handed them out. “Sign them. All of you are good-looking. If your acting stinks, we can set you up with print work. What I say goes and if any of you give me flack, I’ll kick your asses into next year.” She glanced around then narrowed her eyes at Moon. “Didn’t I rep you for five minutes years ago?”
Moon paled and nodded. “Yes. You umm… fired me when I put a snake in your toilet.”
“Jesus H. Christ,” Cher said, shaking her head. “You’re a fucking menace.”
I jumped in. “Moon’s working on her impulse control. She hasn’t humped furniture on a set in years.” My defense wasn’t terrific, but I couldn’t think of anything else.
There weren’t a whole lot of positive things to say about Moon as far as her behavior on TV shows. She was basically un-hirable in Hollywood. The certifiable gal was known for playing pranks on set. From what I’d heard, she had nine restraining orders against her.
I’d done a TV pilot with the whacko eleven-ish years ago calledRoommates. Basically, it was a ripped-off version ofFriends. Moon had been caught in aprankgetting jiggy with the furniture on the set during lunch break. The couch hadn’t survived. Unfortunately, the debasement of the furniture had been on the same day the studio heads were watching the show. She’d recorded her performance and put it on the internet. It had gone viral. The show didn’t get picked up. It hadn’t been that great of a sitcom, but Moon humping the armchairs and everything else in sight had been the nail in the coffin for that production.
“You’re on probation,” Cher informed Moon as she handed her a contract. “If I find any reptiles in my house or if you get jiggy with even one inanimate object, I’m done. You feel me?”
Moon grinned and saluted her new agent. “Roger that!”
“Cecily,” my mom said, walking over to the newly signed clients of Cher. “I believe we should have a conversation with Corny. I think it would be prudent. I have a hunch he can help.”
Corny shrieked with delight.
I had no clue what she meant, but I wasn’t second guessing her. “Now?”
“Now,” she confirmed.
“It would be my honor,” Corny said, bowing to both of us.
“Let’s take this inside,” I suggested. “Follow me.”
I didn’t know what was about to go down, but I could do it or I could not do it. Or I could do the fuck out of it.
I’d decide the right course of action, once I found out whatitwas.
CHAPTERFIVE
“Corny,”I said in the politest way I could. “If you’re going to sit on my couch, you need to put on some underpants. Bare asses are not permitted on the furniture.”
“Except mine, because I’m dead,” Uncle Joe let everyone know.
He got a round of applause.
“Listen to the boss, Corny,” Ophelia warned. “Skid marks on a sofa is gross.”
