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I refused to look up and see the underside of their balls. Marching over to the tree where they were perched, I looked straight ahead and spoke in my outdoor voice. Sadly, I faltered and glanced up. Their wrinkled testicles swayed in the breeze. I seriously wished mind bleach was a real thing. “Corny, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“It’s thrilling!” he shouted. “I had no clue that you lived in a nudist colony. It’s my dream come true!”
“Jesus Herman Christ! NO,” Cher shouted with a peal of laughter.
“Of all the visuals, that’s what you picked?” Sushi shrieked.
“I need to gouge my eyes out,” Abaddon muttered.
“You guys see it?” I asked with a wide grin.
“Unfortunately, yes,” Abaddon replied.
“What is it?” I questioned with my eyes still closed and the icky visual still front and center.
“For the love of everything gas inducing,” Cher choked out still laughing. “I see Uncle Joe and Corny’s meat clackers. The old naked geezers are sitting in a damned tree. Their nuts a bouncing in the dang breeze.”
“Bingo,” I said, opening my eyes and looking around. Nothing was there. No Corny. No Uncle Joe and no balls. “I think I have to close my eyes to make it happen.”
Abaddon sighed and shook his handsome head. “While I’m a bit terrified to suggest it, why don’t you try again but close the warehouse doors first.”
“On it,” I said, closing my eyes. Without thinking about it too hard, in my mind, I pretended to slam the big metal door shut. The sound I imagined was satisfying and loud. This time I relived my horrible audition where I mistakenly thought I could fly. I winced as the humiliating memory came back…
The waiting room was bright green. I’d dressed in colorful sweats because I’d been told the final callback would be athletic. Since I didn’t own colorful sweats, I’d made a quick run to the mall. Looking ridiculous was clearly part of the plan. I’d tried to get out of the final callback six times, but no go. My gut told me that I should bail. While my excuses had been pathetic, I hadn’t grown big enough actress balls to stand up for myself yet.
I’d rolled my eyes hard when my agent at the time had informed me of the colorful sweats requirement… and that she’d drop me as a client if I bagged on the final round. I’d already “jumped funny” for the casting people and producers for over an hour in front of a green screen just the week before, pulling muscles I didn’t know I had. I’d had to get a massage after that hot mess.
Yet, here I was… at the final callback. I’d almost stayed back in the waiting room, but I was not a quitter.
About ten network execs and three casting people sat in chairs drinking coffee and looking rabidly excited. It made my stomach hurt. I waved. They waved back. My competition, who I’d named Obnoxious Girl with Dumbass Pigtails, did a somersault, landed at their feet and saluted them. They laughed with delight.
Shit. Why didn’t I think of that? Maybe because it was stupid? I was very aware that Obnoxious Girl with Dumbass Pigtails wasn’t a very nice name for me to have secretly given her, but she’d not so secretly been calling me Vampire Girl throughout the seven callbacks we’d been through together. I suppose she thought that would psyche me out. She was wrong. I’d developed seriously thick skin during the years I’d logged in the biz. Being the Vampire Girl had bought me a house and a car. Obnoxious Girl with Dumbass Pigtails could kiss my ass.
The wrinkle was that there was a third person in the running who I’d never seen. He was a quiet guy with a friendly smile.
“Hey there! Hi there! Ho there, kids!” the director shouted at Obnoxious Girl with Dumbass Pigtails, Quiet Guy and me as he entered the audition space.
“Hey there! Hi there! Ho there to you too!” my competition shouted in her outdoor voice.
Dammit. Her sweats were more colorful than mine. My need to win fired up inside me. The fact that the job would put me into traction didn’t matter.
“Hey doodley-do there! Hi woodley-woo there! Ho—not the bad kind—there to you too!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I wanted to die, but the attention was on me now. Winning. Although, everyone looked confused. I realized I probably shouldn’t have made a reference to a hooker since this was a children’s program.
“Hi everyone,” Quiet Guy said politely.
The producers nodded, seemingly impressed that he could speak at a socially acceptable volume. I made a mental note to tone it down.
“Okay, kiddos,” the director, who called himself Papa, announced. “We want to see if you can fly!”
I squinted at him. Papa was missing a few screws if he thought anyone could actually fly. “Literally?”
“You betcha,” he shouted with a spastic thumbs up.
“Awesome!” Obnoxious Girl with Dumbass Pigtails yelled, doing an aerial cartwheel.
The crowd went nuts. I was no longer winning.
