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“He talks in his sleep,” Sean informed me. “I asked him about it, and he played dumb. So… I did what any devious son would do and recorded his sleep-talking. Got some really good incriminating shit. Let him listen to it, and the old man came clean. Easy peasy. Erased all of it after he admitted the truth. Can’t have the feds up our asses. I have too many pot plants growing in the yard.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” I muttered. Was anything I knew about anything or anyone even remotely correct?
“We’re all damned,” Stella chimed in. “We’re Demons.”
“Thanks for that,” I told her with an eye roll.
“Welcome,” she replied.
“Sooooo,” Sean continued. “My guess is that Man-mom can hack into the Demon Network if we want to go that way.”
“Is that accurate?” I asked my dad.
Lilith seemed delighted with my dad’s covert and probably unethical past. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. “So sexy.”
“It’s accurate,” Man-mom confirmed after kissing her back. “All I need is the password to get on the network, then I can access the dark web back channels to get to the broadcast signal.”
I blinked rapidly. “Wow, that sounded totally professional.”
Man-mom’s grin verged on a preen.
“I have a password,” Abaddon said. When I glanced askance at him, he added, “You need it if you want to offload misinformation to right buyers.”
Ah. In other words, he’d used it to feed a load of crap to some of Pandora’s flaming assholes. My dad hadn’t been the only one with a secret agent-type past.
I had questions, but those could wait. “If Man-mom is able to hack the signal, we need to televise something big to really draw Pandora out,” I stated.
“If I come to the rescue twice, what do I get?” Sean inquired, crossing his arms over his chest with great satisfaction.
“What do you want?” I asked, a little wary. However, if he came up with a plan that could work, I’d give him whatever he wanted as long as it didn’t put him in harm’s way.
“A day at the airport. Me, you and Abaddon. We partake in a few gummies, lay on the hood of my car and watch the planes take off while reciting off the cuff poetry inspired by our buzz. Followed by lunch at my favorite diner.”
Abaddon’s brows raised in surprise. “I thought the reward would be monetary.”
Sean grinned. “I’m not in it for the money. I much prefer meaningful experiences.”
“While high,” I added with a laugh. “Deal.”
Sean glanced over at Abaddon. “And you, fine sir, who has the hots for my sister?”
Abaddon shook his head and groaned. “Deal.”
“Excellent,” Sean said. “Picture this. A sitcom on the Demon Network starring the Bitch Goddess Cecily ofCamp Bitefame. She’s dealing with daily Demon life as a new Goddess and learning the ins and outs of the Darkness. She has a normal albeit not very smart human family and an incredibly shitty next door neighbor. The neighbor causes all kinds of mischief but fails miserably and hilariously at every single turn. We can have her slip and fall in dog crap, have uncontrollable flatulence after she steals cookies from Cecily’s house and eats them all in one sitting right before the HOA meeting that she’s running—stuff like that. Absurd and stupid. We’ll use all the crappy sitcom blunders and tropes—dumb dad versus uptight mom, awful catchphrases, we’ll have a dinner scene where all the food looks amazing and no one eats, and all the characters have time-consuming jobs but never seem to work. You following?” he inquired with a sneaky little grin.
“Does the shitty neighbor happen to be named Pandora?” I asked with a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth.
“As a matter of fact, she is,” he replied.
“Can she be played by Moon Sunny Swartz?” I inquired.
“Oh my God,” Abaddon said with a choked laugh.
“But of course,” Sean said. “Is there a specific reason why?”
“There is,” I replied, unable to hide my glee. “I’d like you to write that Pandora has a disorder… she enjoys humping furniture. Can’t seem to stop herself. In public.”
Sean threw his head back and laughed. “Seriously?”
