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They were strangers to me and I had fooled myself into thinking that we were friends, or even lovers, or whatever other fucking delusions I had conjured up in my mind.
I had allowed myself to forget.
Cut away from the rest of the world, hidden away in their little corner, I had forgotten myself.
Because they had become my world.
But I failed to remember that I wasn’t theirs as well.
They had their own wide world outside of the walls of this house, and I had no place in it.
I saw the answer in their faces as clear as day now.
“It’s still dangerous. If the Don finds out that you’re alive and on the loose, then…” More words poured from their mouths, and the longer they spoke, the more they started to sound like excuses.
That was alright. I barely heard any of it, anyway.
Betrayal left a sharp, stabbing pain inside my chest — the knife digging in deeper with each passing breath.
“Right. It is dangerous, isn’t it?” I said softly when they finished —making excuses— speaking.
I shook my head, smiling faintly. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I wasn’t thinking, was I?”
But even after being proven wrong, a flicker of hope still remained inside me. I looked at them again, trying to find a hint of something, anything that may have… but no.
They weren’t going to let me leave, were they?
I understood that now, at least.
“Never mind that. Forget what I said anything.” I tried to quickly change the subject. “Since we’re all here anyway don’t we have lunch together?” I asked, the smile on my face so flimsy that it could rip apart more easily than fabric.
Perhaps they had actually convinced themselves that they had my best interest at heart; that their concern was genuineand came from a good place. But if they really… cared about me, then they could have found a way to make it happen.
The Don had given me to them to do as they pleased.
I was aware that they couldn’t just let me go. The Don would have never allowed it. However, they could make up a lie. They could tell him that I died, make him think I was no longer a threat to him, somewhere six feet under. I could hide from him, go somewhere far away where he couldn’t find me.
But that meant that they couldn’t keep me here either, under their thumb, with them as my sole source of existence.
But it was alright.
Everything was fine.
I remembered who I was now.
* * *
I was aware that stealing a gun was downright impossible.
Actually,no.Stealingit would be easy enough. All I’d have to do was wait for one of them to doze off, or better yet, sneak into their rooms when they were away and just snatch one up. It wasn’t as if they were lacking in that department.
Butkeepingthat from them would be impossible, however. They would immediately notice.
It was a good thing that I didn’t really need a gun.
While a gun would certainly be the most useful, any other weapon would do, and lucky for me, Jack liked to keep his kitchen knives sharp.
A gun should be easy enough to obtain on the outside, where there were dozens of guards keeping watch at all times. Theoretically, it should be pretty straightforward to sneak up onone of them, slit his throat and steal his gun. After that, things would become much more smoother.
