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Now I really can’t breathe. I suck in air, but it’s like I’m drowning. I bring a hand to my throat, and that’s a mistake because when I do, I feel the tiny twin scars from the shock collar. Somehow I’d managed to block out that particular sensation until now, but touching the healing scars is like holding onto a live wire. My throat feels like it’s closing up, like I might actually pass out and die right now.
“Breathe, Aves,” Nathan murmurs, gathering me up in his arms as gently as he can.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t.
I…
CHAPTER TWENTY
AVERY
Iwake up in my bed, the bath towel still damp and twisted around my nude body. A duvet has been piled on top to spare my dignity, a small gesture I’m thankful for. I’ve been naked far too often lately; I could gladly be fully clothed for the rest of my life. I can still taste the bitter residue of the Xanax pill Nathan gently coaxed into my mouth while I was mid panic attack. I suppose I should thank him for the first restful stretch of sleep I’ve had since waking up in the hospital.
Speaking of.Nathan is at the foot of my bed, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, leaning against one of the posts as he swipes and jabs furiously at an iPad.
“Stock market down?” I guess, my voice thick with sleep.
Nathan holds the iPad up so I can see the screen, his expression sheepish. I snicker as I see what he’s been doing: playing a cooking game app. Nathan freezes.
“What?” I ask. “What is it?”
He swallows thickly. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh since we got you back.”
“Oh,” I say quietly. “Yeah. Guess I haven’t had much to laugh about lately.”
“You hungry?” Nathan inquires, swiftly changing the subject.
“Now that you mention it, I’m fucking starved,” I reply. “Does your Mom still make those little bacon tart things?”
Aunt Eliza is a terrible cook, but her one redeeming recipe is bacon, cheese and egg bites wrapped in little puff pastry parcels and baked in the oven. It might sound weird, but I love them.
Nathan holds his stomach. “I could happily live never eating one of those again,” he says, making a choking sound. “But for you, I will find some.”
He disappears downstairs, and I use the time to get dressed in fresh gym pants and a shirt. I still can’t find a pair of jeans that don’t swim on me, but gym clothes are stretchier and far more forgiving of my recent weight loss.
Nathan brings me a plate of reheated bacon tarts–apparently Eliza had already baked them just for me–and I eat so many my stomach hurts. It’s the first time I’ve felt warm and full in what feels like forever. I’m sure the Xanax still circling my bloodstream doesn’t hurt, either.
“Aren’t you supposed to be at work or something?” I ask between bites. Nathan shrugs. “Told them I was working at home for a while. Nobody seemed to care.”
I nod. “Is Jennifer still in the office?”
What I really want to know is,Why the fuck hasn’t my best friend come to visit me yet?
Nathan gives me a knowing look. “She wants to come and see you, Aves. It’s just–”
“Just what?” I interrupt. “Seriously. I’ve barely seen her the past few months. I know life is busy, but fuck. I almost died, and she can’t even blow work off for an afternoon to come and see me?”
“You know what they say about true friends,” Nathan replies. “They show up in hard times.”
I roll my eyes, tired of the subject. “Whatever. I don’t even care.”
It’s a lie. Of course I care. Jennifer and I have been friends since we were little kids. She’s like a sister to me. Or at least, she was like a sister to me. Now I don’t know what she is. Somebody I used to know? That can’t be possible.
I don’t want to think about Jennifer. I hand my empty plate to Nathan and settle back into my soft mattress, closing my eyes. I’m so tired that I’m asleep in moments.
I dream of Rome.
