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She nodded her thanks and, before she could change her mind about what Sebastian intended to do, moved with him toward the study room.
He opened the door for her, and when she drew close to him she was struck anew—as she always was—by his unusual height.
She herself was of average stature for a woman in this part of the world, but Sebastian must have been descended from Norsemen who had long ago invaded Britain. He certainly possessed the size, fair coloring, and defined features of a Viking.
He gestured for her to enter the study room and she stepped inside.
The room contained a circular table and four chairs, with a single window that looked out into the mews, and a handsome portrait of Mr. Benezra’s mother painted when she was a young bride.
Sebastian glanced at the picture. “Imagine she’s heard some fairly intriguing conversations over the years.”
“The world is changing rapidly,” Grace said. “Who knows where we’ll be in three years, let alone three decades?” She gazed at him. “What are we doing in here?”
“Didn’t seem judicious to discuss your feelings about Mason Fredericks in the middle of the library. And,” he added in a kind voice, “you looked on the verge of either tearing the library down to its foundation or bursting into tears.”
The pressure in her chest loosened at hearing his words of understanding. She could always rely on him. “Can’t I do both?”
“Surely. If you need any help with the former, I believe the library has a Pictish hammer somewhere in its collection.”
She tried for a smile before giving up and dropping down into a chair. “It’s hopeless. Do you know what Mason said to me at the circulation desk? First he said that he was running off to Greenland in less than two months. And then he lamented ever finding a wife who could tolerate his scientific pursuits. That such a woman was nigh impossible to find. All while I was standing right in front of him.”
“Damn.” Sebastian scowled. “That was ruddy thoughtless of him.”
Warmth touched her at Sebastian’s defense. “I suppose. But in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never seen me as anything other than a colleague. He’s always surrounded by flirting belles. And you know more than anyone that I’m decidedly not a belle. Nor do I want to be,” she added with vehemence, “but it’s hard to get someone’s attention when they’re encircled by sparkling fireworks and I’m a laboratory brazier, burning steadily away.”
Unable to sit still any longer, she surged to her feet and began to pace the confines of the small room. Sebastian quickly stood, watching her with concern.
“I only want . . .” She shook her head, trying to make sense of her tangled feelings. “I only want him to see me. As I am. Not merely a fellow natural philosopher, but as a woman.”
“I’m certain he knows you’re a woman,” Sebastian said drily.
“In an abstract sense. But no one ever held hands in a moonlit garden with an abstract sense.”
Sebastian inclined his head. “Point taken. And he’s no notion of your feelings for him.”
“You and Jane Argyle are the only two who know.” She wouldn’t trust anyone but her two closest friends with the knowledge.
“Don’t think I don’t appreciate that.” He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the table. “He’s ideal, isn’t he? A man who’s respected in his field as well the larger world of society. The best of both worlds.”
“Never thought of it like that.” Mason had always drawn her attention and admiration, from the first time she’d met him during her debut. Yes, he was handsome, but it was the substance of him that ensnared her. Considering it now, he did possess everything she desired but feared to reach for.
She went on, “I never told you this, but in the first months of my debut, I’d been candid with fellow debutantes and prospective suitors about my love of reptiles, my fascination with amphibians. The looks I’d received, the laughter . . .” She shook her head as if she could dispel the hurt that still resounded. Being snubbed was a terrible thing. It struck to the very heart of the need to belong. “Only Mason was kind. Only he listened and asked questions and seemed to believe that my work was worthwhile. That I was worthwhile.”
