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I’m not ready for the crap they’re going to give me when I tell them that my new housemate is female.
‘I’m starving! I fancy ham, egg and chips.’ I put my hand up for Bev the waitress but can’t get her attention.
‘Maybe leave it for a bit,’ Jack advises.
Tim gives me a questioning look and puts his hand up and she immediately walks over.
‘Caleb, you fucking arsehole!’ he growls quietly as she approaches.
‘Hi, boys, what can I get you?’ she chirps at Tim with her back to me.
‘Steak and chips please, Bev.’
She nods, scribbling happily.
‘Please can I have—’ I start.
‘Jack?’ She smiles at him, cutting me off.
‘I’ll have the bangers and mash please, Bev.’
‘Bev, please can I—’
‘So, one bangers and mash and one steak and chips.’ She closes the pad and walks away.
‘Caleb, you didn’t,’ Jack whispers, casting an eye at the bar, where the landlord – and incidentally, Bev’s father – is jovially pouring pints for the customers.
‘You slept with her, didn’t you?’ Tim accuses.
‘I didn’t touch her!’
‘What happened? She was fine on Friday night!’
‘Nothing! I helped her close but she missed her tube home so I said she could crash. We had a couple of beers back at mine and, just as I was about to go to sleep, Nicole turned up starkers in a trench coat and these insane heels. That chick is crazy. We’re going to have to change the door code, because she shouldn’t be letting herself into the building like that—’
‘Caleb! What happened with Bev?!?’ Tim demands.
‘Nothing. I let Nicole in – because, who wouldn’t – then asked her to wait in my bedroom. Next thing I know, Bev is demanding, quite rudely actually, that I put her in a cab, so I did. Maybe she caught a glimpse of Nicole half-naked from the couch, I don’t know. But I definitely didnottouch Bev.’
Jack and Tim look at each other.
‘What? You said don’t touch the landlord’s daughter, and I didn’t touch the landlord’s daughter. I can’t get barred again, guys,’ I plead.
‘Jack, you tell him.’ Tim puts his face in his palms.
‘He’s not going to get it,’ Jack responds.
‘Forget it, Caleb.’ Tim gets up. ‘I’ll order your ham, eggs and chips.’ He sighs.
This is the problem with having friends in relationships. Tim is a couple of years older and owns the local building company that converted my flat. He is married to the very maternal Emelia, with three kids to boot. He’s a straight, honest, decent bloke and the first person I met in London who I actually liked. He introduced me to Jack and they sort of adopted me. Jack and I are the same age and he has just proposed to his girlfriend, Louisa. Out of respect for Jack, I’d never call her a bitch. The guys have become like brothers to me so, if Lou comes with that, then I have no choice.
‘So, Tim, how are the plans for Jack’s stag coming on?’ I ask when he returns.
Tim groans. ‘The only reason I’m stuck organising the bloody thing is because Em and Lou don’t trust you. I work seventy hours a week, have three kids, and a wife who can shove my nuts in a vice whenever she feels like it. I have to pretend I’m in some pub quiz league to see you guys on a Monday night. How the hell am I supposed to organise a stag?’
‘…And that’s what you have to look forward to, Jack. If you want, I’ll get someone at work to organise the stag,’ I offer.
‘Nice!’ Jack whispers, looking excited, while Tim shakes his head.
