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‘Me too.’
‘In between flying everywhere?’ he teases.
‘Of course. Zambia and Norway are hardly everywhere. Plus, I haven’t fake-laughed at your unfunny jokes in a while.’
‘Let’s get the booze rolling then. Monkey47 and tonic?’
‘Yes please.’
We order our food shortly after. It’s obvious that while we are both trying to figure out how this ‘new us’ is going to work, we’ve really missed each other. Why did I think it would be so difficult? I watch his gorgeous face move animatedly while listening to him talk, and he looks like the boy next door again. I miss his face, his kind eyes, his smile; I just want to reach out and touch him.
‘So, honestly, how has dating been for you?’
I was expecting it, but the question still catches me by surprise. I really want to tell him, but he is happy and smiling. I decide to be vague.
‘It’s a jungle out there.’ I make a joke of it.
‘I know! What happened? One used to start a relationship and, eventually, you got into bed with each other. Now, it seems everyone is ready to hop into bed with you that night. In the morning, you end up on your knees, searching for whatever’s left to build into a relationship. It’s odd, it makes me feel very old, and scares me a little.’
He has fun in his eyes. I try to play down the jealousy and surprise I’m feeling. I didn’t expect him to be celibate, but I didn’t expect him to come out with this either.
‘And how many times have you found yourself on your knees the last few months?’ I ask, before I realise my mouth is open.
He stops eating and raises an eyebrow at me. I pretend to be concentrating on my food and wait for the sledgehammer he is about to take to my chest.
‘Twice. After that, I gave up scrambling and just went along for the ride, if you’ll forgive the pun. I just ended up feeling worse each time. It’s not how I want to feel, so I’m in limbo at the moment and not forcing anything; just living day to day. How about you?’
I am still digesting the fact that Jasper has just admitted to sleeping with at least three women in the last few months. I need to tell him. I want to be honest, but I’m petrified. Here goes.
‘I haven’t had anywhere near your level of success, MrReluctant Playboy, but I did, at one point, get it into my head somehow…’ I remind myself not to mention Caleb’s name under any circumstances, ‘…that to get over you, it might be helpful to get under someone else.’ I see him pause and swallow hard. ‘Are you sure you want to hear this?’
I watch him smile with great difficulty.
‘Sure. Keep going. We’re friends. You can tell me anything.’
‘So, I went on a lot of dates. Like, a lot. But I couldn’t get to a place where I was comfortable with someone other than you touching me.’ I see relief flood Jasper’s face. Oh no Jas, wait for it.
‘They’d try to kiss me goodnight on the cheek and I’d duck. I literally ended up pushing one guy’s face away with the palm of my hand. It was mortifying. Eventually, I plucked up the courage to go through with it with this one guy and, while it was fun, it was a little dangerous, but I now know that “getting under” someone else doesn’t work. The hard way. Pardon the pun.’ I start praying that he doesn’t ask me who it is. Instead, thankfully, he looks concerned.
‘Did they hurt you? What do you mean by dangerous?’
Phew.
‘Oh no. It’s just that I can see how having meaningless sex often might begin to feel normal and maybe, eventually, one might start to require that all their partners remain nameless and faceless.’
‘I see what you mean. They definitely weren’t nameless and faceless to me at the time, but that’s probably how I’d want them to end up; especially when things return to normal.’
I ignore the ‘return to normal’ and I raise my glass quickly.
‘To namelessness and facelessness. May you remain so.’
He laughs and clinks his glass. Now there is no way he can ask who I slept with. After that hurdle, we navigate safer territory and I have so much fun, the restaurant around us disappears.
We skip dessert, I pay the bill –much to his annoyance –and we walk out into the cold air, both with more booze in our systems than we intended.
‘That was fabulous. Thank you so much for this, Jas.’ I go in for a hug.
‘We should do it again, it was nice. I can take you home?’
