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I lean forward to kiss him and carefully push him backwards until he is lying on his back. I make quick work of his boxers, travel to his hips and close my mouth around him. I hear his deep groan as I take as much of him as I can into my mouth. The love I feel for him in my heart is unconditional and immense, but I am really hoping for the magic, the lust and the need to turn up. I love him, trust him, adore him – but right now, I really need to want him.
It dawns on me that I’ve never seen Jasper like this. His total sexual submission to me is completely new. He’d always been the more dominant partner and I was always happy to do whatever he wanted. Jasper lets out another deep grunt and I hope that I am ready. Maybe if I just surrender to him, instead of trying to find a physical connection, it might change things. I push my body over him and kiss his lips. Moving my legs over, I straddle him without warning, guiding him into me. His eyes fly open as he lets out a long gasp as I dig deep for my desire.
‘Aari…’ he whispers as he meets me with a thrust.
I pull away from him and adjust myself to deepen his reach. With every thrust, Jasper sinks deeper, and I shut my eyes; wishing for any kind of sign that might be the beginnings of…anything. Supporting himself by holding on to my waist, Jasper suddenly sits up and wraps my legs round his hips. He presses our chests together as he holds on to the back of my head with his hand.
‘Hold on, Scraps,’ he whispers lovingly as he shifts his weight forward and lays me, gently, on my back.
As soon as he’s checked I’m comfortable, Jasper pushes faster and harder into me. I meet his hips with mine and dig my hands into his bum to push him further in. I continue to try to summon a response – any kind of response – from myself. This is Jasper. I have loved him for as long as I can remember. Today has been wonderful. There is no reason why I shouldn’t be in this moment, right along with him. Suddenly, Jasper’s hands tighten around me, quickening.
‘Shit!’ He exhales, hard.
His climax quickly follows. He pushes hard, right through me, and I feel him empty himself into me just before he collapses on top of me.
‘What was that, Aari?’ Jasper laughs with laboured breath as he rolls over and pulls me into him. ‘Are you okay? Was I too rough?’
‘I’m fine, Jas. You were lovely.’ I shake my head as a tear rolls down my cheek. Another tear follows and, soon, I can’t stop the flow.
‘I feel it too, Scraps,’ Jasper says quietly, kissing my forehead as he holds me tighter.
When he looks at me, I see the years we’ve loved each other swimming in his eyes. Jasper pulls his boxers on, then picks up his T-shirt and pulls it over my head, before getting out of the tent to extend his hand.
‘Shower?’ he asks.
I let him lead me out of the tent and up the stairs into our bedroom’s bathroom. He turns the shower on and helps me out of his shirt as the water warms.
‘Together?’ he asks.
I stand still as Jasper soaps my body and quietly starts to speak.
‘When you left, you took everything, Scraps. Right down to your half-used toothpaste. I understood why you’d left the moment I stepped in here the next morning and realised that I could see your stuff was missing, but I couldn’t tell what was missing. At some point, I’d stopped paying attention.
‘I wasn’t expecting us to be intimate today. I lugged that horrendous tent back on Sunday because I wanted to show you that our relationship is bigger than what we’re going through now. My world is empty without you and I feel like I’m walking around with this massive hole in my chest. I want you to come back, Scraps; but, if you choose not to, I can find a way to move on. I’ll find something to fill that hole. It’ll be the wrong piece because I’ll always be in love with you, but I’ll make it work. Do you want me to wash your hair?’
I nod through my tears. He washes my hair in silence, putting in the conditioner and rinsing it out. He gives himself a quick wash and steps out of the shower to grab us some towels. When we re-enter the bedroom, I summon all my courage as I sit on the bed. Jasper, concerned, takes a squat in front of me.
‘Scrappy, talk to me.’
I look at him and wipe the tears from my eyes.
‘I slept with Caleb.’
Jasper lets out a deep sigh.
‘I know, Aari. Well, I wasn’t sure until now. I thought it might be him, but then he behaved so terribly that night after dinner that I didn’t think it could be. It later occurred to me that he could’ve been behaving like that because he was reacting to seeing me.’ Jasper shrugs.
‘You’re not mad at me?’
‘I’m devastated, but maybe you needed to. It’s a relief, to be honest. I can’t begin to count the number of nights I lay awake, with my heart wondering who you were with that night.’ He reaches out and holds my face. ‘I can find a way to handle it, if you come back, Aari.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I know and I’m sorry too. I behaved badly at lunch. He came out of nowhere and suddenly he’s at Sunday lunch with my family? I lost it a little when he told me he was falling for you and had the audacity to try to shake my hand on the promise that he wouldn’t tell you until he thought you might feel the same. All I could imagine was him giving you those love bites. What happened before, what happened after. And I lost it. That was when I knew that I didn’t deserve you in that state. I needed to zero out and build myself, and hopefully us, from the ground up again.’
‘He told me he had feelings for me.’
‘When?’
