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At the end of the song, Caleb, as I suspected he would, leaves me where I am and disappears into the crowd. I, in turn, sneak up to my room. I don’t want to be confronted with any questions for now. As I lie on my back, I tell myself I’ll go down and make the effort for Mommy later. A few minutes later, there is a knock on my door and my mom lets herself in.
‘I knew you’d be in here.’ She smiles as she sits on my bed. ‘I know dinner was tough, but I’m proud of you.’ She pats my leg lovingly. ‘Caleb is a lot of fun.’ She raises an eyebrow. ‘He looks like he’s lots of trouble too.’
‘My goodness. You like him?’
‘I do. He’s very charming and seems like he knows how to have a good time. I just left him hitting on that Katherine girl.’ She stands up and smooths down the front of her dress. ‘I just came to check in with you. Don’t stay up here all night, honey.’
‘I won’t, I promi—’
There’s another knock on the door and Mommy goes to open it. A sheepish-looking Jasper is standing on the other side. My heart leaps to my throat. The love I feel for him seems to reach out for him all on its own.
‘I can come back…’
‘No, sweetheart. I was just leaving.’ My mother reaches up to cup the side of his head. He lowers it for her to kiss his temple like she usually does. ‘Go in.’
Jasper walks in and stands at the opposite end of the room as he waits for my mom to close the door behind her. We regard each other in silence.
‘I’m sorry, Jasper,’ I start.
He looks up in exasperation. ‘I’m sorry too,’ he says with a sigh.
I am perplexed. ‘For what?’
‘For behaving the way I did and saying what I said, the night you came over. For Katherine; I should’ve handled dinner better. She shouldn’t have been there.’
‘It’s okay. I deserved it.’ I get up. I need to get out of this room, because all I want to do is reach out, kiss him and make him feel better.
‘Wait. Can we talk?’ He steps forward, stroking the side of my face as I lean into his hand. I miss being touched by him. This is not going well. ‘Tell me what went wrong, Scraps,’ he asks softly.
‘I don’t know. I lay there every night for months having panic attacks while you slept. I love you so much, Jas, but the thought of being with you made me feel safe and also scared at the same time. Life with you was wonderful, but it started to suffocate me. This is going to sound stupid, but I didn’t leave you, Jas –I left my life. You just happened to be at the centre of it.’ I know I am making no sense.
‘I loved our life. It was exactly what I wanted, and it kills me to know you didn’t feel the same, Scrappy.’
He takes my hands in his. When Jasper calls me Scrappy, or Scraps for short, it has the opposite effect of when Zachary does it. I love it, especially after he came back from a boys’ weekend away with a small tattoo of Scrappy-Doo, the cartoon puppy, with his paws up on the back of his ankle. Zachary had talked him out of getting it on his chest, over his heart. I’d gone out the very next day and got a small outline of Indiana Jones’ fedora and whip in the exact same position.
‘I’m sorry, Jas. You’ve done enough to decide what you want. I haven’t. I graduated, got a job, freeloaded off my parents for a few years, got another job and freeloaded off you next. I’ve done nothing.’
‘Firstly, you’re not freeloading. Secondly, we could do those things together. I’d take a year out to do anything you wanted with you.’
‘Jasper, that won’t help. Everything I am is defined by you. I like what you like, and feel what you feel. I even dress like you. Since being on my own, I’ve discovered that I don’t know how to exist without you.’
‘Not tonight, you aren’t. I’ll admit to influencing the Oxford shirts and jeans but the tweed jackets and boots are all you.’
Jasper smiles as he slowly drops my hand, steps forward, pulls me towards him and kisses me. I am not prepared for my lips to part and welcome his, but they do, a little too eagerly. He runs his finger from the base of my neck to the bottom of my spine and lets it rest against the naked skin there.
Jasper has never kissed me like this before, and I want to leave with him right now. But then I get a grip, and eventually pull away slowly.
‘Jas, if we continue like this I’ll have moved back before the party ends.’
‘Come back home, Scraps.’
I really want to. ‘I can’t. Not yet. I want to challenge myself; maybe live a little differently.’
‘And I can’t be part of that?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’m not sure I can cope with waiting for you, Aari. I nearly lost it tonight. I didn’t like the way the chap you walked in with looked at you. Hugh had to hold me back when he touched you,’ he admits quietly.
