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‘What did you do now?’ Tim looks down his nose at me.
Tim is annoyingly overprotective when it comes to Ariella. He’s supposed to be my friend, not hers. I am about to tell them, so they can see how ridiculous she is being, but I stop myself. I usually tell the guys everything, but I know that telling them this would make things with Ariella worse.
‘Bloody hell. He slept with her.’ Jack puts his face in his palms.
‘You are such a swine, Caleb. Can you not—’ Tim starts.
‘I didn’t sleep with her! For the last time, there’s no way in hell I’m going near that. She’s like a puppy. She’s nice to be around and fun to scratch behind the ears, but she does absolutely nothing for me in that sense. I’m not even tempted.’
Jack picks up on this. ‘You didn’t just call her a puppy. That’s terrible.’
I go on the attack. ‘Better than living with Louisa the dragon. Set a wedding date yet, Jack?’
Tim tries not to laugh.
‘That’s out of order, Caleb.’ Jack jabs his finger at me.
‘When are you going to end it, though? You can’t even get your shit together enough to have a proper stag,’ I say, poking him.
‘No matter how many times you say it, Caleb, it’s not going to happen,’ Jack says dismissively.
‘Of course not, mate. This is true love. What else would make you want to marry Louisa and her multimillion-pound trust fund?’ I raise an eyebrow and chuckle at Tim.
‘Tim…?’ Jack starts to complain.
‘I’m staying out of this.’ Tim puts his hand up and the waitress acknowledges him.
‘Thanks for the support there, Tim. She’s only best mates with your wife.’
‘Yeah, but she doesn’t scream at my wife in public and claw my wife’s face in the middle of a restaurant. We love Lou, but you guys have a lot of stuff to work out,’ Tim responds quietly.
Louisa has always had a short fuse and the way she sometimes speaks to Jack is deplorable, but physically attacking him is taking the piss.
‘She attacked you at dinner? Mate, you can’t marry her. I’ve been saying this for so long.’
Tim turns to the waitress. ‘Bacon sandwich and builder’s tea please?’
Jack and I order the same.
‘Jack. Dump her,’ I appeal.
‘We’re working through it.’
‘The only thing you should be working through is a break-up. It’s just going to get worse.’
The conversation takes a heavy, silent pause.
‘I don’t often say this, but Caleb’s right. You guys need to see someone. Things can get messy really quickly,’ Tim says supportively.
‘I’m not a domestic abuse victim.’ Jack laughs.
‘Well, if you were the one screaming at her and slapping her in public, you’d be in jail by now. You’re about to marry her, you’re sure to have kids, and those guys see and copy everything. You don’t want to start fixing this when they’re here. It’ll be too late.’ Tim puts his hand on Jack’s shoulder.
‘Unless, of course, that plan is to say nothing, marry her, then dump her a few years in and make away with half the bank? In which case, I can play on that team for a small five per cent kickback.’ I smile conspiratorially at Jack. He doesn’t smile back.
‘You’re an idiot, Caleb,’ he throws back at me.
‘Speaking of kids, Em is throwing Alfie a birthday party in two weeks – Friday, after school. It’ll either be dinosaurs or pirates. Jack, you’re invited. Caleb, as godfather your attendance is mandatory.’
