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‘I feel like I don’t know who you are any more,’ I managed between shallow breaths.
Jasper immediately got up and walked out, slamming the front door. My tears fell freely. I heard his car start up and drive away and, after I’d calmed down, I finished making the G and T and gave myself permission to drink ‘just this one’ alone.
As I was leaving the kitchen with my drink I spotted Jasper, changed into old, faded, soft navy-blue jogging bottoms and an old T-shirt, walking towards our pool. He had obviously crossed over from his parents’ adjoining garden. He was carrying the crate he’d tried to deliver earlier.
‘Let’s talk,’ he said as he walked in, dropping the crate on the kitchen island and wiping my tear-streaked cheeks with his fingers. ‘However long it takes, Aari, we’ll fix it.’
After I’d made him wash the treatment out of my hair as punishment for making me cry, we built a makeshift den in the middle of the living room like we used to and stayed up all night, working our way through the gin and just talking. We covered work, his travel and my course; all safe territory – but then I had to ask, ‘Jasper, why were you avoiding me in Bristol?’
I heard him sigh before he put his drink down.
‘I’m sorry. I was pissed off at you for something that wasn’t even your fault.’
‘You were pissed at me? What did I do?’
‘You came to Bristol.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Have you ever wanted the freedom to just rediscover and maybe even reinvent yourself?’
I shook my head.
‘I did. University helped me test my boundaries in an environment where there was no one to let down. I didn’t always have to do the right thing and I didn’t always have to be “good”.’
‘Oh. I wish you’d told me. I would’ve played along.’ I nudged him with my elbow.
‘That’s the thing. It wasn’t a game, it was me. It turns out that I’m generally a decent person, but there were other things about me that weren’t so decent, and I enjoyed exploring that.’ He threw me a sly smile and continued. ‘Anyway, when you showed up I felt like you brought everything I was trying to get away from with you. You could’ve gone to any university you wanted, but you followed me to Bristol. So, I was a little annoyed.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘I did. We all did. You didn’t listen.’ He patted my hand softly.
‘I’m sorry. I had no idea.’
‘I know. I’m sorry too. I was a dick.’ He drained the last of his gin.
‘I’m a little envious. I wish I’d seen university like that. I returned pretty much the same person.’ I laughed.
‘Surely you dated, got a boyfriend, had your heart broken…’
‘Nope. I went on a total of two dates. They both started out fine and ended weirdly. Who asks you who you live with on the first date? I had to get campus security involved on both occasions. After those, I was done. Too stressful.’
Jasper burst out laughing. I laughed along.
‘What was your big discovery? Get your heart broken?’ I teased.
‘A little bit. It was preferable to hurting someone I really liked, though. That sucked. I’d promise myself I wouldn’t do it again, but always found myself at the same point, having to break up with someone amazing. It was horrible.’
‘That was the big revelation? I could’ve told you not to break up with amazing people. For free!’
‘That, and realising that I didn’t want to come back home,’ he added solemnly.
‘Why?’
‘Too many reasons, and not enough.’
The heaviness of his response made me let that one go. I looked at the time: almost three. I was hungry and tired, but I didn’t want us to stop. I lay on my side.
