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The door closed behind me. Casper didn’t move, so I turned to face him head-on. “Admit it.” Apparently, I wasn’t going to ease into this. My mouth was in tune with my heart, not my brain.
He crossed his arms, drawing my gaze to the way it bulged his muscles and popped the tattoos. “Admit what?”
“That you love me.”
Had it not been deadly silent in here, I wouldn’t have been able to hear the gasp of air he sucked in. I waited for him to respond, but he said nothing instead.
“Fine. I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen. How many years have we been doing this for? How many nights have we gone to sleep in each other’s arms, only for the morning to dawn and for us to go our separate ways like none of it mattered?” I stepped into his space, raising my voice the closer I got. “How many times was I forced to wonder when you’d finally admit who we were to each other, only for you to walk away like I meant nothing? Do you know how much you destroyed me?” Tears stung my eyes as emotion threatened to take over. I refused to let it. This wasn’t about me crying my eyes out to him. I didn’t want his pity. I wanted his honesty.
“Reed,” he whispered.
“You love me. I know you do. Yet you think for some screwed-up reason we don’t belong together. That it’s better to fuck me and leave or ignore me completely. I can’t do this anymore, Cas.” My hands balled into fists; my blunt nails dug into my palms. “I can’t walk around like half my fucking heart isn’t outside my body with you. Do you have any idea how much I care about you? I love you so much it’s painful. I dream of what it would be like to wake up at home with you in my bed and your arms around me.”
A pause was needed, enough for me to suck in a deep breath and exhale before I spoke again. “I thought this time was different. You were staying in my house, keeping closer than you have before, and yet, you ran. Again. What do I have to do to keep you in my space?”
I wanted to bring up Elic. To tell Casper it wasn’t only me he hurt by leaving. Elic didn’t need to say the words for me to notice how Casper’s absence upset him. Apologies fell from Elic’s lips the morning after Casper left. Elic blamed himself and tried to leave. No way in hell was that happening, so I had to remind him this was what Casper did. Elic didn’t know the routine as well as me.
If Casper and I were going to have a chance together, a chance with Elic, then Dash was right. I had to fix Casper and me first. We had nothing to offer Elic if we couldn’t work this out.
I took a leap and gripped Casper’s shirt to pull him closer. He let me do it. If he didn’t want me to move him, I wouldn’t have been able to. I looked into his eyes, silently pleading with him to say something, but he remained silent.
“I love you, Cas. You’re in my life for a reason. I’m over this bullshit.” I thumped my hand on his chest while still holding his shirt. “Let me in. I want access to every part of you. And I’m going to give you access to all of me too.”
14
CASPER
This wasn’t really happening. I was certain I was in a strange limbo between being asleep and fully awake. Reed was here, wanting me, but also begging me to open up. And his fucking hand was on me. Not my skin, which would have blown me apart. He’d fisted my shirt, holding me so close, I could smell the peaches on his lips from the dessert tonight. The one I hadn’t eaten because I couldn’t choke anything down due to the pit in my stomach.
Tears burned the backs of my eyes. I couldn’t remember when the last time I’d cried was. Everything I felt, I internalized. I let it fester and churn inside me until I did what I did best and got away from the source of my turmoil. The problem was, I was causing ninety-nine-percent of my issues. The blame fell on me for how I felt.
Reed stood in front of me with his hair windblown and his eyes wet. God, I wanted to kiss him so badly just to prove to myself he was real. While he would welcome it, I guessed we’d finally hit the wall that stood between us. Sex wouldn’t solve things. Not now. We were so far past it my dick didn’t even twitch. What was happening wasn’t lust fueled. This was something else entirely.
The door met my back when I leaned away from Reed. I used it as a guide to slide to the floor. Reed’s hand slipped from my shirt. The tile was cool against the backs of my legs and my ass. The fight left me, leaving me weak and exhausted. “What do you want me to say?”
Dropping to the floor in front of me, he tucked his legs under himself and met my eyes. “I want you to be real with me.”
“Every time we were together was real. That’s who I am.”
“Not all of you. When we’re like that, you only give me so much, a small window into who you are inside.” He sighed and looked down at his hands. “Do you remember when you were moving from the middle school to the high school, and you were nervous because you weren’t as big as the other kids?”
“You were taller than me.”
He nodded. “What did I tell you?”
I wanted to lie and say I didn’t remember, but the time for lies was gone. Reed and I were really going to talk. If I didn’t speak to him like I should have for years, I should just pack it up and move because I couldn’t handle being so close yet so far from him any longer. “You said the world wasn’t ready for me, but it would be when I was ready for it.”
One of the many things Reed had said to me throughout our lives. He always knew when to say them. I was so fucking scared back then. I thought I’d get my ass handed to me in high school. Reed was fine. Everyone loved him and his outgoing personality. Yeah, I had him as well as Slater and Dash, but it wasn’t enough to quell my fears.
“I don’t…” Reed sucked in a shaky breath. “I don’t think I was ready for you before today. I might not have been able to handle what I was asking for from you.” His beautiful eyes lifted to mine. “I’m ready now, Cas. I’m ready for everything.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“This isn’t about sex. This is about you and me on every level, not just the three we’ve been existing on. We’re more than family, the band, and sex. I’ve always known that.”
“What about Elic?” I couldn’t dismiss him. Not after he’d said the three of us could be together.
“He fits with us, and I want him there. But we can’t bring him into this unless we fix us first. I won’t do that to him.”
