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“It won’t be easy. I’ve been like this for so long, I’m not sure how to be someone else.”
“No, not a different person. Just the Cas I know is in there. The one who sees past the doubts and insecurities. Who knows they’re bullshit and that you’re better than them.”
I shook my head, not wanting to let that version of myself free. What if he didn’t like who I was? What if he saw me, wounds and all, and decided I wasn’t worth the effort? The doubts were strong, trying to edge out every bit of reason.
That love, the kind Reed felt for me, what if I wasn’t capable of loving him the same? Yes, I loved him beyond words, beyond everything, but to express that and show him just how much wouldn’t be easy for me. For Reed… for Elic, I’d try. I’d try so fucking hard.
“I won’t hurt you, baby,” he whispered.
Those fucking tears that burned my eyes before were back. They brought my emotions to the surface and had my bottom lip trembling. “How did you know?”
“That you were worried I’d cause you pain?”
I nodded.
“I see you, remember? I always have.”
“What about Elic?”
“He sees you too, Cas, and he wants you.”
15
ELIC
It was late when I was dropped off at Reed’s house. I offered to walk, but Cadence gave me a ride on her way home. She also owned a portion of the land the farm was on, except on the opposite side from Reed, with the farm between them. This kept her closer to the restaurant, where her passion for the business was. She’d told me Casper was offered land as well to build a home on but declined, instead choosing to move into the city. I saw his choice for what it was, a way to keep more space between him and Reed.
The house was mostly dark when we pulled up, a lone light in the living room on. I waved goodbye to Cadence and climbed the stairs with Starry by my side. Reed had a keypad on the door to unlock it. He also had keys, but he preferred this, so if someone needed to get inside, they could without having to worry about remembering their key.
My phone chimed in my pocket as I was entering the numbers on the pad. I got the door unlocked and ushered Starry inside while flipping on the light and shutting off the alarm.
Having a smartphone again felt weird. I had one when I ran from my house, but soon after pawned it for extra money. It wasn’t like I could afford to pay the bill. Then I got a very basic phone that could only call and text, but it was hit or miss when I had enough money to add more minutes to it. I had to get used to what the latest and greatest was because Reed refused to get me a phone like I had before. I told him I didn’t need one at all, but he insisted. And when Reed wanted something, chances were, he got his way. He was charming like that.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see Reed had texted me.
Reed: Are you home?
Home. That was what he referred to it with me. I called it Reed’s house, but it was sweet he said it the way he did.
Me: Yes, just got here.
Reed: Stay put. I’m bringing Cas home with me.
I couldn’t leave if I wanted to. I didn’t have a license, and I wasn’t going to bother someone in Reed’s family to drive me anywhere.
Reed bringing Casper home meant they must have talked. Relief washed over me. The guilt that had sat on my shoulders since he ran was huge. Casper left after I fled the room and Reed argued with him. If I would have stayed, I might have been able to stop him from going.
Me: Okay. Drive safe.
Figuring out what to say to Reed wasn’t easy. We’d been alone here on multiple occasions since Casper left. Reed was comfortable around me. I was the one freaking out, not wanting to screw things up with him too.
In addition to the guilt was the ache of missing Casper. Yes, he was grumpy as fuck sometimes but, damn, he was great. I loved how intense he was and how passionately he felt about things, even if he didn’t want to voice them. Watching him play his guitar was one of my favorites. The way his fingers worked the strings, how he sometimes hummed lyrics he didn’t sing. I wanted to lie beside him and listen to him forever. Let his music lull me and chase my past away.
Upstairs, I took a quick shower and changed into comfortable clothes. They fit better now that I ate regular meals and put on a bit of weight. What Reed, Casper, and their family had done for me and continued to do; I couldn’t repay. It was beyond what I could have hoped would happen one day. Not people taking pity on me but having someone who believed in me and didn’t see me as the guy sleeping on the streets, blowing men for money. No, their family didn’t know that. Only the guys in the band did and Molly. I didn’t want the Ashfords looking at me differently. Although, if I had to guess, they wouldn’t. But it still wasn’t something I was ready to share.
The loud rumble of Reed’s muscle car increased in volume the closer he got to the house. I peered out the window, noticing Casper’s SUV behind it. Butterflies took flight in my stomach as I started pacing. Starry got anxious along with me, her steps matching mine. Partly because her other people were here, and partly because she could sense what was going on with me. She’d attached herself to all the Ashfords and their dogs like they’d known her for her entire life.
The house was quiet outside of Starry’s nails clicking along the floor, so I heard Casper and Reed walking up the stairs outside. I hadn’t bothered locking the door when I came in. There wasn’t much out here but cows and other animals. It wasn’t a busy road unless there were a lot of people going to and from the restaurant, which I learned most entered from the other side of the road, not this one.
