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“Talk to me.” It’s only a whisper, but it’s also a plea.
His hands wrap around my wrists, holding on tight. Not hurting me, just finding an anchor.
“My medications are messed up right now, and it is taking time to re-regulate them.”
“And why are they messed up?”
“Because I stopped taking them.” I stroke my thumb over his cheek.
“Why?” My question is soft, with no judgment.
I don’t need to parent him, I need to understand so I can learn to be there for him better in the future.
“I thought they were slowing me down. I thought that I would strategize better without them.”
I nod my head in understanding and lean in to kiss his forehead.
“Thank you for telling me,” I whisper. “How can I help?”
His hands go from my wrists to my hips, pulling me between his legs. He tilts his head and meets my lips in a lingering, soft kiss.
“You are helping. You have no idea how much just by being here.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and lean in, pressing our foreheads together. “Then I’ll never leave.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
???
I drop our motorcycle keys on the counter as Alexi starts to cook breakfast. He still isn’t doing well since I’ve been back, but he’s too good at hiding things from the guys.
He goes to the bathroom to scratch at his skin and then wears long sleeves in the house, which is not his normal because he gets hot easily with how warm Damien likes to keep it. He is constantly cleaning or finding a new little project to attempt to focus on. I can’t watch him keep doing this.
“Let’s go,” I say, nodding to the door.
He eyes me for a moment. I respect his need for control, but he also needs to learn when to give it up to those he trusts. Dr. K has been helping me learn how to help with his permission, and I've been trying to do it at his pace.
He puts the ingredients for the most amazing french toast away and grabs the keys to follow me out the door. Between the four of us, Damien is the talker, Lev is the one who can speak on a soul deep level, but Alexi and I are the quiet ones.
We don’t need words or humor to work through things together, we just need the other person to be there while we crawl through the depths of our feelings, and that’s enough.
So, as we get on our bikes, we still say nothing. I rev my engine but gesture for him to take the lead. The moment the air hits my skin, a shaky breath spills from my lips. Not one of sadness, but of utter relief.
Riding on the bike or in Damien’s car with the top down makes me feel free, and dammit I didn’t realize just how much Ineeded to feel that. The cold air dissipates the anxiety that rose when I saw Alexi in the kitchen.
I had a lemonhead in my mouth to keep it from building, but now the feeling of pain and starvation falls from my shoulders as swiftly as the wind blows back my hair.
Alexi leads us around town for a while, eventually getting us out on country roads. We take hills at top speed and fly around corners until our knees nearly meet the asphalt.
It is everything my soul needed, and it needed this with him. When we stop at the top of a hill, he pulls over near a lookout. We remove our helmets and walk to the edge.
Alexi puts an arm around me, pulling me in close. “I needed that,” he says.
“I did too.”
We stay like that for a while, watching the sunrise, holding onto each other like we are the only two people left in the world. I will fight to get through this because they all deserve better than the hand they were dealt. They would wage wars to bring me happiness, I will win this battle for them. No matter how long it takes.
