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“You are going to lose her by forcing her into a cage. You think I don’t want her safe? You think I didn’t want to do these same things to her when she was a child living in a vile man’s world?”
His hand wraps around my throat, but instead of clawing at his fingers, I reach up and wrap my hand around his too. We both squeeze, locked in a battle of wills to stay conscious.
“If you take away her choice,” he rasps, “she will never be yours.”
Our eyes lock, his already turning red, but neither of us relents. We stare at each other and somehow our fight turns from hurting one another to sharing the hurt. It bleeds from my chest like a stab wound and seeps into the snow beneath me.Just as the black starts to take over my sight, Havoc releases me and I do the same.
We both take a minute to gasp for air. I cough, rolling to the side when his weight finally shifts off of my chest. Silence rings out again, but somehow it feels less empty than it did a few minutes ago.
“I know we are getting close,” he tells me. “I was able to get ahold of Mac about an hour ago, and he said he has some information for me. He’s working with Lizz to narrow down a location. Itshouldbe on my computer by tomorrow.”
I stare off at the lake. “Does the pain ever go away?”
He steps closer to me, and a hand greets my shoulder in a firm squeeze. “Pain is what makes happiness worth fighting for. You can’t feel one without the other. You can’t appreciate peace without knowing war. And you can’t force your will on others.”
A lone tear slides down my cheek, but I make no move to wipe it away. It’s been nine years since I have had this reaction to anything. I chose to let love in again and this is what it does.
But Havoc is right. It cannot feel good unless we know what feeling bad is like. Now that I know, I refuse to allow this to happen again. We will find her and we will bring her home. I will keep all of the people I love safe by slaying every demon that dares touch what’smine.
Chapter 4
Dozing off to sleep with Lev in my arms, I sense his emotions are all over the place. Because even with his eyes closed and breathing steady, his muscles keep twitching as if on edge. It’s only been eight days, but I miss his voice. I miss his sweet words and the way he makes the world stop spinning quite so fast.
The tension between us always soothed something in me, and the way he handed me control and gave me his trust made me feel like the balance was restored within my mind. But I don’t feel right using that on him right now, especially when he can’t speak. So I decide to take this time to show him how I can be there for him and hold him tight instead.
Alexi comes storming into the room late. The lights aren’t off, none of us have slept in darkness since we lost her. It feels too much like we are turning off our brains, and we can’t afford to do that.
While Alexi undresses with a fury, I notice bruises forming on his skin. One around his neck and one on his face just under his eye. I jump up without thinking, startling Lev who slept for probably the first time since our girl has been missing from our bed. I feel bad, but I also need to know who the fuck strangled my brother.
“Who did that?” I ask him, walking up to examine the marks left on his skin. We didn’t have any prisoners left, and if he tortured someone without me, I’m going to be even more pissed off. Especially since it looks like he took off the chains and let them give him a beating just for funsies.
He shakes his head at me, and I lose every scrap of patience I pretend to have. Lev not talking is one thing, I get it. Even though it hurts and it’s hard to see him struggle with it, I understand. Alexi though, he’s just being an ass.
“Answer me right thefucknow!” His head jerks up in surprise, and Lev sucks in a breath. I might be the crazy one, I may even be the loud one, but demanding like this… That’s not me and they both know it.
“Havoc helped me work through some shit, now back off!” He lays out his clothes, folding the dirty shirt before placing it in the hamper and doing the same with his pants. It hurts that he would go to Havoc and not us. It hurts that he’s not trusting us to be what he needs right now.
He tries to shoulder-check me on his way to the bathroom, but I think we all need a cold, hard slap in the face with a wet dick about how we are going to treat each other from here on out.
Alexi thinks I don’t notice, but his behavior has been way off. It’s crazy to think that they were the ones doing this for me not too long ago. But that’s how bro code goes. When one is falling, the others are there to catch him. If I have to catch both of them right now, that’s what I’ll do.
With that thought in mind, I follow him to the bathroom and watch as he goes into the closet, trying to find something to wear. After he puts on three different shirts only to throw them down in a rage, do I realize something is really fucking wrong with him. He’s scratching at his skin as if it’s hurting him.
“Lex?” His wild gaze meets mine and he storms past me to get into the shower. When I look down, I see the shirt Evie got for him laying on the floor.
I pull my phone from my pocket to dial Dr. K.
“Damien, what is it?”
I rub my eyes not knowing what to say. “I think something’s wrong with Alexi. He looks manic and keeps throwing his clothes around. He has scratches on his skin, and he’s showered three times today.”
I hear papers moving around before she replies. “I can’t say much here because I don’t want to betray his trust along with doctor patient confidentiality, but if he’s like this then I need you to check his medications and see when his Olanzapine refill is due. It’s the only medication he has that should be taken daily to prevent manic episodes, and could warrant some of these actions if he were to stop taking it.”
I leave the closet and head straight to where I know he hides his medications. He’s coming around to us, but he’s not ready to be fully vulnerable yet by leaving them out on the counter.
Checking the date, I notice it’s way too full. In fact, it looks like he hasn’t taken a single pill in at least eleven days.
“There’s too many pills here, doc.”
