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Therewas a long pause beforeZanereplied. “Theyconfirmed it wasDamon’sblood.IthinkDevshotDamonand hired men to bury the body.”
Thelonging for the oblivion returned.Ididn’t fight it.Iwanted it to pull me down into the pits, to consume me and erase this awful existence.HowwasIstill here?Ino longer wanted to be here, in this room, city, world.Nothingmattered anymore because deep down,IknewZanewas right.Damonwas dead.
“No,Axel, don’t say that.He’salive.Hehas to be.”
“IwishIhad better news.”
“Please,Axel,”Mombegged. “Theremust be something else we can do.Sheis our only daughter, and she won’t survive his death.Ican feel it.”
“I’msorry,Princess.Dev’sgone, too.Thereare no more leads.”
“Please, please,Axel.Youhave to do something,”Mompleaded through her tears.
“Shh.Okay.Okay.Letme haveLevitrackParis.It’sthe only thingIhaven’t pursued yet.”
“Paris?”Mom’svoice trembled.
“Apparently,Devwas at the hospital visitingRosewhen he sawDamondroppingParisoff.AfterPariswas discharged,Devmade a call out ofParis’sroom with an urgent request to meet withDamon.Forwhatever reason,Damonagreed, andDevwas waiting for him in the parking lot.MaybeParisknows something.”
Parisknew nothing.Devmust have figured out that whateverDamondid to landParisin the hospital was bad enough to warrant a meeting.Itguaranteed him the meeting that destroyed our lives.
Thelast traces of humanity left within me nurtured through the sheer determination ofPapa’steachings,Mom’sdevotion,Rose’saffections, andNeil’suntainted warmth, vanished into thin air.Becausethey could never comprehend the true darkness inside me and love me unconditionally the wayDamoncould.Iwas too fucked up in the head for them, too full of sin.
Thatwas why the universe couldn’t allow me to have something good.Theone good thingIhad been granted after all these years was violently ripped away, just asIhad always known it would be.Andnow,Iwas alone forever.Thisis howIwas meant to be.
Returningto my old life felt empty.Ididn’t say this out of misguided notions surrounding emotionsIcouldn’t feel.Instead,Iwas saying this becauseIwas fully aware of my capabilities.Ihad known it to be true the moment the gunshot had gone off.
Aftera day of refusing food and water and conversation with the revolving door of relatives dropping by for a visit,Mom’sagitation grew.Iwasn’t obstinate in hurting her.Mywill to fight was simply gone.I’drather wither away than face the doom of the impending, gloomy news.Thiswas one lossIcouldn’t handle.Iwasn’t equipped for it.Icould survive everything else, evenPapa’sdeath, becauseIknew his legacy would live on in me whenIbecameCEO.Damon’sdeath was the final blow.Ihad been a fighter until now, butIno longer cared to live ifDamonwasn’t in this world to live in it with me.
BecauseDamonwasn’t my chance at happiness, he was my only possibility for it.
* * *
“Poppy,Iknow you don’t want to hear this, butIneed you to come back to me.”
Momwas right.Ididn’t want to hear it.
“Please, baby,”Mompleaded for what seemed like the hundredth time while gently squeezing my uninjured hand.
Onceupon a time, my mother’s tears held immense power over me, andI’dgo to great lengths to stop them from forming.Butnow,Iwas impervious.Myinsides were numb.Noone could touch me again with their words.Iwas an existence without purpose, something taking up space and oxygen without contributing anything worthwhile.Theyhooked me up toIVsafter my refusal to eat or drink, surrounding me with wires from every angle.Thisfelt like a giant waste of resources, too.Therewas nothing left other than this never-ending emptiness.
Therewas only one logical course of action.
Ihad to end it because a dead woman couldn’t feel emotions.Whatwas the point of inhabiting a body that took up oxygen, space, and resources without contributing positively to society?
Yearsago,Ihad watched them cremate my father and then my grandmother, taking the best parts of me with them.Foryears after,Iremained the lost little girl who couldn’t move on from the loss.Iwas frozen.Thenhe came and thawed my world.
Hesaw me.Theevil vile me and he loved me all the same.Theonly person who didn’t turn his back on me no matter how black this heart had gotten.Heloved my rotten heart even when there was nothingIcould give him in turn.
Andnow, there was one thingIwanted to give him in return.Companionship.
Icould join him in death and keep him company.
Itwas ironic.Damonhad entered my life to prevent me from making this very decision.Inthe past,Iwould have never considered such an act.Butnow, it consumed my every thought becauseDamonhappened.
Piercingblue eyes came into my life.
Igot used to running my fingers through messy, dirty blonde locks.
