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“Well… that’s why I wanted to talk to you. Before meeting with Violet and having her explain things, I was ready to consider your offer.”
A slow smile spread his lips and that made me chuckle. “What do I have to offer you to make you come with me instead of staying with her?”
“First, I want you to explain why you said you only wanted me when we had lunch at Sonny’s. Then, I want to share a little of my history with you. It may make you reconsider.”
Sitting up in his seat, Jeremy’s head tilted as he licked his lips. “I’m not sure how you want me to explain wanting you.”
“Are you saying that you want me or that you want me to be your fake wife?”
“Yeah.”
I laughed and he smiled. “You’re so simple it makes you complex. I have no earthly idea how to read you.”
“You know how, you’re just not listening. I’m not one to hold back. Yes, I want you. Yes, I want you to be my fake wife.”
Our eyes remained locked as I processed what he’d said. Jeremy wasn’t the first man to express his desire for me over the last decade, but he was the first person whose desire scared me. I’d had sex a few times since my husband, however, I didn’t allow myself to date or get attached to any man. Jeremy was challenging my ability to keep my heart preserved for a man who would never be able to access it again, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
Clearing my throat, I lifted my glass and took a bigger gulp before wiping my mouth. My breath came out shaky as I twiddled my thumbs, prepared to share with him my truth.
“Ten years ago, my son, my husband, and I were leaving church, headed to his parents’ home for an early dinner. We hadn’t gotten on the expressway yet. A man tried to jump in front of us, but Matt wouldn’t let him because we were about to miss the light.” I swallowed repeatedly as my eyes watered. When I was sure my tears wouldn’t erupt, I continued. “The guy was so upset that by the time the light turned green again, he sped to catch up with us.” I smiled and wiped a tear. “My husband wasn’t one to back down, so when the guy got on the side of us talking shit, I had to talk my husband down by reminding him Jacob, our son, was in the car. For that reason only, Matt decided to walk away… well drive away.”
I paused as images of that day flashed in my mind. “The guy got behind us and hopped back on the side, swerving in traffic. When Matt couldn’t take it anymore, he abruptly pulled over. He yelled about how our son was in the car and if the man didn’t stop, he was going to beat his ass. The man got out, they fought, and Matt won. I hated that he’d done that, but I understood why. Jacob was only two and he wasn’t paying attention, anyway. I was just glad it seemed to be over.”
I didn’t realize I’d paused until Jeremy scooted his chair over to mine and took my hand into his, wiping tears that were falling.
“About a mile down, before we could merge onto the expressway, he came back. He started shooting.” My head shook as I stared at the remnants in my glass. “Both Matt and I… our first thought was to protect Jacob. We both tried to dive into the back seat. Matt was hit in the back of the head. I was hit in my arm and side. My baby… he shot him in h-his chest. They both didn’t make it, and I hate I survived.” I chuckled before it turned into a clipped sob. “They were my world. I wanted to die with them too. A week after their funeral, I tried to commit suicide. I digested an entire bottle of pain pills and overdosed, yet somehow survived. That seemed like a sign that God had a plan for my life.”
“Is that why the bulk of your cases have to do with gun violence and homicides?”
I nodded, wiping the last of my tears. “Yeah. It’s triggering to a degree, but it also makes me feel like I’m getting justice for families that suffered a loss like me.”
“What happened to the shooter? Was he charged?”
“We were able to find him, but um… let’s just say death found him before jail time could.”
He smiled. “Your pops? I hope he handled that shit for you personally. I damn sure would.”
Though I trusted Jeremy, I wouldn’t confirm or deny. My father, had, in fact, killed him.
“Either way…” I smiled… “He was handled, and a large part of my practice now goes toward victims of gun violence and their families. About 80 percent of my cases in fact. I said all of that to say, I’ve been married and had my son, and Matt loved me so softly and deeply that I will never settle for a love that doesn’t feel as good as his did. So I would be willing to do the fake marriage as long as we can agree on the terms, but a real relationship wouldn’t work. That’s why I asked if you wanted me.”
When Jeremy took my hand into his, I had to resist the urge to pull it out. My love language was quality time and physical touch. That’s why I didn’t have sex often or date over the years.
“First, thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me, and I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I know there’s nothing I could say or do to make you feel better, and I would never try to replace your husband. But I do want to confirm something.” I nodded for him to continue. “You’re not saying that you’re closed off to love completely, just that you’re not willing to settle for a love that doesn’t feel as good as the one you loss?”
That felt like a trick question, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. “Yes?” I said, but it came out more like a question than an answer.
His laughter was light and like music to my ears. “Are you sure, Maritza?”
“Yes,” I repeated more confidently.
“Then you’re saying I can love you and you won’t try to stop me.”
“I-I guess I can’t. No. But why would you want to?”
Jeremy lifted my hand and kissed it. “Because I know, if I do it correctly, you’ll be smart enough to realize what you have in me and one day return it. Even if you can’t… it’s just… something about you that makes me want to handle you in a way I’ve never wanted to handle a woman before. Maybe God wants to love on you a little harder through me. Whatever the reason, that’s on a personal level and we can let that happen organically. Right now, we need to discuss if we’re going forward with our fake marriage or not.”
I agreed, so we shifted our focus to that.
