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Then, it suddenly dawned on him what she was implying. She didn’t mean staying here just for now. She meant forever. She thought he was going to leave the service because of his injuries.
All the peace and warmth from him drained away in an instant.
He did want this. He wanted to stay with her and Ayla forever and live as a family and never have to be away from them again.
But he had a duty. He wasn’t just a soldier. He was a trusted and experienced leader. Axur couldn’t just choose to walk away from all that.
Guilt settled within him.Of course, she thinks you’re leaving. Look at you.
His hand was still threaded with hers. They all spent their nights reading together and laughing. He’d given no mention of going back to service. Of course, she thought he was going to leave it to stay with them.
He had been so happy to be home with them despite knowing what he’d have to do after he recovered that he hadn’t given it any thought. He pushed all thoughts of the future into the back of his mind and just lived in the moment. He’d been doing that a lot lately.
But he couldn’t do this to her … leading her to think they had the kind of future she thought they did. She didn’t deserve to be put through something like that.
But he already had been, and she was going to hate him for what he had to say.
“What’s wrong?”
He realized then that he’d stopped walking. Axur looked at her and swallowed the lump in his throat.
Now. He had to tell her now.
Axur turned to face her fully. “Katie, you can’t imagine the ways you’ve changed my life, the ways you changed me. You are the single most incredible person I have ever met, and I can admit to myself that I don’t just care for you or crave you, though I do both. I know with no uncertainty that I love you.”
Stars seemed to practically dance in Katie’s eyes. Axur grimaced. He should have chosen different words, not given her hope that this conversation was going anywhere good. Too late now.
“And that is why I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
The stars blinked out of her eyes.
“What do you mean?” Her voice was a whisper.
He sighed and took her other hand in his. “Katie, when I recover, I’m going back into service.”
Katie jerked like she’d been slapped in the face.
“I have to,” he continued, determined to finish despite hating himself for every word that left his mouth for the way it was hurting her. “I have a duty to protect the people. Abandoning my post is not an option.”
Katie seemed to flounder for a moment. Her face cycled through confusion and grief before it settled on anger. She yanked her hands out of his grasp.
“Your duty?” she asked, nearly hissing. “Your duty is to your niece. To raising her!”
“Katie-”
“No, you don’t get to talk! You’re choosing your career over your family. Does she not matter to you? Was everything up until now a lie?”
He knew she wasn’t just talking about Ayla.
“Of course, it wasn’t,” he snapped. “I love you, and I love Ayla, and that’s why I’m not going to keep pretending like we can keep going like this.”
A look of hopelessness came upon her. “Were you always going to choose this? Was I just a nice distraction?”
A low growl escaped him. “I meant it when I said I love you. I would never play with someone’s emotions like this. That’s why we need to face what’s going to happen.”
“It doesn’t have to happen this way! You could choose us. You could stay. But instead, you’re running off because we’re a lesser priority on your list.”
He wanted to take it back. To say that he wanted to choose them. But that would only give her more hope. He was going back, and he couldn’t make her think she could sway him otherwise.
