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I cut myself off before I can sayme and Sophie. But it’s not quite enough to stop Jason picking up on it. “You and…?” He raises both eyebrows.
“A friend of mine,” I say, folding my arms.
“Afriend,” he repeats, seeing right through me.
It makes me defensive. “Yes, I'm allowed to have friends. I have lots of friends.” He gives me an incredibly dubious look, which I ignore. “Anyway, she came over, to help me with the kids. To make sure we didn’t blow anything up, see.”
“Oh, did she?” Jason says, his words dripping with the implication that he thinks something more is going on.
I wish he was right about it. Or I wish he was wrong. I can’t quite decide which would be better.
But I can’t be angry at him, because his gentle teasing reminds me exactly of the way Katie needled her sister. Of their casual sibling banter. Maybe we are capable of that, after all.
“We’ve never really felt like brothers, have we?” I say with a sigh.
“What do you mean?” Jason blinks, confused.
“I mean… well, we’ve never really done the banter and the teasing and the lunches out together. It’s never really been us.”
“My older brother’s always been a grump,” he winks.
“Would you like to? I mean,Iwould like to, ifyouwould. Change that. Start acting like brothers again.” The freedom of emotion isn’t really a familiar flavor in my mouth yet, and it makes all my words fall out awkwardly. I cringe into the wall, shoving my hands into my pockets and staring at the kids busying themselves so I don’t have to look Jason in the eye.
He almost seems to sigh, the tension in his shoulders releasing and his face softening. He looks at me and gives me the kind of smile I've been giving the kids all week. “Yes, Luke. I would love that. I would love it if we could come over and you would help out with the kids. If you want this to change, so do I. There’s nothing I’d like more.”
I give him a smile that’s closer to a grimace, but the relief is palpable. There’s been a giant valley between us for as long as I can remember, but finally it feels like we've drawn up the designs for a bridge together. I want to tell him that. I hesitate, but I can't be a coward now. What I have to say is important. “I'm proud of you, you know. All the work you do. And the kids? I never realized how much you put into it all. How much it all matters. You make a difference, and that’s a good thing.”
Jason’s mouth drops open at this. He puts his hand on my shoulder and smiles. “Thank you, Lucas. That means the world to me.”
Noah sits bolt upright, throwing his hands into the air, his fingers spread wide as he beams. “All done!” he says. He’s sitting on top of his suitcase, grinning triumphantly because he beat his siblings for a change.
“I'm done, too,” says Chloe sticking out her lip. “And so is Ava.” Ava hasn't really packed anything at all; her bag was mainly decorative so she could have something to carry around so she wouldn’t complain about being left out. I guess it’s easier this way.
“Good job, guys,” says Jason. “Do you know what your mom said to me before I came to get you?” The kids all shake their heads and demand to know. Jason takes a step forward and crouches down to their level. “She said she was going to cook your favorite ever dinner tonight.”
“Spaghetti!” screams Noah, flopping backwards off his bag onto the floor to roll around in glee.
“Come on, then. We have to get home so we can help her out.” I’m expecting a cheer, but nothing comes. Instead, all three givea half-hearted noise of agreement, then stand up, grab their bags and start waddling out into the hall like a troop of ducklings. Jason and I follow them and we all hesitate by the front door.
“Thank you again for having them,” says Jason, taking my hand and touching the top of my arm. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me. You really came through for us, and I’ll be grateful forever.” His smile is so real and the only thing I can think to do in response is nod, which feels totally inadequate, but I’m sure he’ll understand it for what it means.
I might have changed in my heart, but the rest of me is still catching up.
Without even having to be told, the children chorus, “Thank you, Uncle Lucas,” and Jason gives them a proud smile.
“We’ll miss you,” says Noah. “We had fun.” Despite his positive words, his eyes are filling with tears and his voice wobbles, making him look so small and vulnerable.
“I’m glad to hear it,” I say. Stupidly, I can feel myself choking up. But I don't want them to think I’m too sad, because I don’t want to upset them any more than they already are, so I bite my tongue and put on a brave face.
“Call me sometime,” says Jason, squeezing my arm. “We'll come over, or we can meet somewhere. I don’t mind. Let’s meet soon.”
“That sounds good,” I say, squeezing his hand back before releasing it. The kids all yell a goodbye at me as they go before grabbing on to their father’s hands. I stand and watch them until they reach the elevator, and as they get in, they all wave at me. I wave back at them and don’t stop until the doors of the elevator swish shut and I hear the muffled voice announcing that it’s going down to the first floor.
Then I turn back to my apartment and, finally, shut the door behind me, plunging myself into the silence. I wander back into the kitchen, letting my gaze linger on the stacks of plates on the counter, the untidy cereal boxes that are yet to be put away. My kitchen that’s always so neat and clean still has all the traces of them and their fingerprints that I’m hesitant to erase.
My heart suddenly feels so heavy. My apartment feels too small, suffocating. I’ve never been so aware of my own loneliness. But now, here I am with all my money and nothing but possessions to show for it. All this fancy stuff has always been a point of pride for me, but I can’t go back to seeing it all as the only thing worthwhile in my life.
Because I’ve scared away the only person who ever was there for me, and now I’ve lost the kids, just as we were really starting to bond. I finally understand that life is about more than work. But I don’t know how to hold on to that.
