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“Hey, Cor.” His voice is warm, gaze soft on mine. Until recently, with Nigel spending so much time at my place, I had missed Troy’s presence in my home dreadfully.
“Hey. How’s Sam?” I nod down at his phone, and watch as his face brightens further. Troy Nichols, the human embodiment of the fucking sun.
“Great. He watched the game and is waiting up for me.”
I smile at him, something that’s always been easy for me where he’s concerned. “Do you guys want to get together this weekend, since we’re off? You can come over to my place, and we can let Lawson use my grill.”
“Hell yeah. Sam was just saying how we need to do something again, he said we never see you anymore.”
I feel a pang in my chest at that, because it’s true. I’ve been unsure how to navigate Troy’s relationship, not wanting to be a drain on his time when he so obviously wants to spend it with Sam. “Yeah, sorry about that. Talk to him about this weekend and let me know, okay? You tell me what works for you and I’ll make it work for me.”
A loud laugh draws my attention over to Lawson, and I feel a pang of a different kind when I see Nigel’s face scrunched up in a wide smile. Somehow, he knows I’m watching and his eyes meet mine across the plane. His eyes soften, and he holds my gaze until I look away.
“You should invite Saint.” Troy says, excitedly.
“What?”
“This weekend. If we’re getting together, maybe you should invite him.” Troy nods over at Nigel. “You guys are friends too, right?”
“Yeah,” I say quietly, voice barely above a whisper, “we’re friends.”
Troy’s earnest grey eyes are locked on mine, and I can literally feel the words trying to claw their way out of my throat.Tell him, tell him, tell him. And I want to, I really do. But the fact is, I’vealwayswanted to tell him. Since day one I’ve wanted to sit him down and bridge that gap between us; to finally say the wordsI’m gayto someone who would understand, someone I love, and trust. But I never did, because I was afraid, and now, in our fourth year of being teammates and friends, it was far too late.
If I told Troy now, the only thing it would do was hurt him.
Which means any chance of telling him about Nigel is out the window. I struggle to maintain a neutral expression, chest aching with humiliation. If I can’t even manage to tell my friends about myself, how the fuck will I ever tell anyone else?Congratulations Nigel, you’ve signed up for a relationship of hiding and fucking your own hand instead of your boyfriend.
“What’s wrong?” Troy’s brow is furrowed, and he’s leaned toward me slightly. “Why do you look sad?”
Jesus, get yourself under control. “Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“Yeah, me too.” Says Troy, who’s leg is currently bouncing at 147mph. He flops back in his seat, head leaned back against the rest. “I can’t wait to get home.”
Unbidden, my gaze tracks over to Nigel again. Lately, he’s been spending almost every night over at my place; sometimes he stops by just for an hour, other nights he’s there well into the night. And every single time I watch his headlights swing out of my drive, I think about how it would feel if he didn’t leave. If maybe, one of these nights, he stayed and I made him breakfast in the morning instead of dinner in the evening.
“You’re right about inviting Nigel. I’ll talk to him and see what he’s doing this weekend.”
Troy beams. “I like him. Never thought I’d say that, but I do. And Lawson does too, which is even more surprising.”
“I like him, too.” I tell him, although Troy and I probably mean this in different ways. It feels like I’ve admitted something, though, and an incremental bit of worry lifts off of my chest.Baby steps.“I hope they extend his contract. He’s been good for the team.”
Yet another way that Nigel has surprised me. Although he still talks more smack than is strictly necessary, he’s been dominating the ice because of his skill and not because he instigates the other team into making mistakes. He’s been a great addition to the team, beyond my obvious personal bias.
Troy’s nodding. “I hope they decide to keep him too. He stayed after practice the other day, to work on skating drills with some of the rookies, which was cool.”
I raise an eyebrow at that. “He did? When?”
“Uh, it was last week. When you and Lawson went out to that pizza place he wanted to try? Sam was working late that day so I stayed to get some extra strength training in, and I saw Saint out there on the ice with them.”
“Huh, I didn’t know he did that.” I mull this over for a moment, a warm feeling diffusing in my chest as I think. “He’d make a good coach.”
Troy laughs, nudging my arm with his elbow. “Funny, I’ve always thought the same thing about you.”
“Maybe we’ll do it together.” I smile when Troy shakes his head, vigorously.
“You can’t be thinking about jobs yet, you don’t get to retire until you’re forty.”
“Sounds good to me.”
