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“But what if Ineverdo. You’re going to be happy fucking me for the rest of our lives?”
Nigel’s lips twitch into a half-smile. He reaches out and rests a hand on my thigh, speaking a string of rapid French. Unexpected as they were, I don’t catch any of the words. I open my mouth to ask for a translation when he tightens his grip on my leg, silently asking me to stay quiet.
“Barely a handful of months ago you would hardly let me touch you; kissing felt like an insurmountable goal.” He says, and I flinch, embarrassed. “I came into this relationship wanting nothing more thanyou, however I could have you. The only thing that would make me unhappy in bed is if you weren’t in it.”
I wish the blankets weren’t bunched beneath us; I want to yank them up to my chin, suddenly wishing I wasn’t sitting here naked. Nigel looks perfectly relaxed, thumb stroking my thigh. I wish I was half as comfortable in my skin as he is.
“I hope you’re not just saying that.” I tell him, honestly. “I don’t want you to leave.”
His hand tightens on my leg and his eyes pop wide in surprise. “Leave? I’m not going to leave.”
“You might. If you get bored of me, or if I’m not making you happy, or—”
“Corwin,stop.” Nigel’s voice is rough, the tone I’ve never heard him use off the ice.Jesus, I wish I had some damn clothes on.“What the fuck are you talking about? Why are you thinking this?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I pinch the bridge of my nose. I wish I’d never started this conversation. When I reopen my eyes, Nigel’s own eyes are dark with anger. He looks like he’s ready to drop the gloves and hit someone. Hit me.
“I don’t know.” His eyes narrow, mouth pinched in a severe line. He’s not going to let me get away withI don’t know. “Okay, I need to get dressed. Just give me a second.”
I don’t wait for him to respond, sliding off the bed and turning my back to him. I tug on boxers and pajama pants as quickly as I can. Once I’m pulling the hem of a shirt down over my chest, I immediately feel better. When I look back at the bed, Nigel has shifted, watching me. He’s pulled one of the sheets free and draped it over his lap, but seems unconcerned with any further modesty. He still looks pissed.
Biting back a sigh, I slide back onto the bed, reclining once more against the headboard. His voice is low and even when he addresses me, waiting only long enough for me to get settled. “Talk.”
“Can we pretend I never said anything?” I ask, hoping he’ll smile. He doesn’t.
“No.”
Sighing, I adjust my pajamas and pull part of Nigel’s sheet over my lap. He waits, patiently. Eventually, I drop my head back against the wall with athunk, staring at the ceiling instead of him.
“I sometimes feel like I’m holding you back. We can’t go out on a date because I don’t want to publicly come out. We waited to have sex, or as you pointed out,kiss, because of me. We toldmyfriends about us, because I was ready to do so. Now, I tell you that I don’t want to top—without ever having tried it before—and you’re going along with it.” Opening my eyes, I roll my head until I can see him. He’s sitting so still it looks like he’s hardly breathing. “One day you’re going to decide I’m not worth it.”
Nigel
I stare at him. My hands are clenched into fists, the bedsheets scrunched around them. I force my fingers to relax and my jaw to loosen, not wanting him to think the gesture is directed at him. Shitty self-esteem: just another thing Corwin can thank his parents for. I want to wrap him in a blanket and keep him safe, while simultaneously slapping him upside the head for being so damn clueless.
“None of what you just said was a hardship for me, and youareworth it. I love you, you fucking idiot.”
Corwin sits up so quick, I swear I can hear his neck pop. His eyes are narrowed, a thin strip of blue visible between dark lashes. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“You can’t love me, and you shouldn’t justsaythat.” Corwin protests, voice shaking.
“I can, actually, and I do. Probably going to keep saying it, too, until the message gets through your thick head.” I respond, and he scowls. “I love you, despite all those hardships I’ve endured in this relationship.”
“So, you’re going to tell me you love me, call me names, and then make fun of me? Nice.”
“Welcome to the rest of your life.” I lean back on my hands and smile benignly at him. He’s got a slight flush spreading across his cheeks, and his eyes are bright with anger. “I’ve got to keep things interesting somehow. Would hate to getboredof you.”
In direct contrast to my half-sprawl, Corwin is sitting so rigid he might have rebar for spine. My own anger has faded to exasperation; telling him how I feel acting as a balm to the irritation. We stare at each other, little more than an arm’s length separating us. I badly want to touch him, but would probably be smacked away.
“You can’t use declarations of love to win an argument.”
“I didn’t. Your argument is fucking ridiculous, so I win by default.” I shrug. “Declarations of love are just an added bonus.”
Corwin blows a sharp breath from his nose. I have to bite my lip to keep from smiling. He’s cute when he’s mad. Neither of us speak for a handful of minutes, the silence stretching uncomfortably. He’s too flustered to control his expression, so I see the exact moment his anger morphs into uncertainty and eventually settles on confusion.
“You love me?” He fidgets with the sheet over his lap, tugging it up as though to cover his fully-clothed body.
