AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Nothing is up.”
“Right.” He knew I wouldn’t answer honestly even before he asked. Another thing to be ashamed about. He looks over to where Troy and Nigel are sitting side by side. “I don’t like that guy.”
I do.“He’s not so bad. It’ll be different, playing on the same team.”
“Mm.” He looks away from them and back to me. His arms are crossed in front of his chest, hands gripping his biceps. I can practically see the way he’s holding himself back from reaching for me. Lawson is a tactile guy, always touching others and tossing affection around like confetti. He never touches me unless I initiate it, though; just another way he’s somehow read me correctly, without me having to tell him I don’t like being handled.
I bump him lightly with my elbow and he grins, happy with the scraps I’m able to give him. “How was your date last night?”
His smile grows and I shake my head in wonder, knowing what he’s going to say before he says it. “She left early this morning.”
“Of course.”
“She’s flying back to Texas today; only here for a convention for work.”
“Ah. So not a love match?” I ask.
“Nah. We can’t all be Troy and Sam, you know?”
I look back over to where Troy is deep in conversation with Nigel, dark heads bent together. “No,” I murmur, “we can’t.”
???
Practice is rough and I’m thankful for it. When I step under the showerhead in the locker room, I take a moment to close my eyes and tip my face into the stream of water. I never linger in the showers, though. Always wary of the proximity of my naked teammates, I finish fast today, per my usual. Lawson is only about halfway through his rendition of Prince’sRaspberry Beretwhen I wrap a towel around my waist and move toward the exit.
I reach it at the same time as Nigel, and stop to let him through first. I maintain firm eye contact, but the curl of his wet hair and the perspiration dotted along his shoulders is still visible in my periphery. I’ve never once checked someone out in the locker room, and it irks me that my self-control is going to be tested every day from now on.
He doesn’t seem to have the same concerns as I do, though; his brown eyes flick down over my chest rapidly, before coming back up to meet mine. Clearing his throat, he turns and heads toward his stall. I carefully look at the wall and not his back as I head to my own, and a low feeling of dread comes over me. I’m going to have to talk to him about what happened all those years ago.
I wonder if I can convince him it was just a mistake, a blip in the timeline. Oops, I thought I was gay but it turns out I’m not, so please don’t say anything to anyone about it? I nearly laugh at the absurdity. That would be like trying to convince him water isn’t wet. Maybe he doesn’t care; probably, that kiss in the alley hasn’t occupied such a vast mental space for him as it has for me. I might be better off pretending it never happened than bringing it up again and embarrassing myself anew.
I glance over. He’s got a blue shirt on and his hair is dripping water down the back.Like rain. I clench my jaw and sit down to pull on my shoes. When he leaves the locker room without a backward glance, I follow, knowing that if I don’t say something to him it’ll nag at me until I do. When he pushes the door to the parking lot open, I step up and he looks back, surprised someone is behind him.
“Oh, hey.” He holds the door, letting me pass through. I’m careful not to brush him.
I take a deep breath, counting down the exhale.Five, four, three, two…one.
“So—”
“I didn’t know he was gay.” Nigel is looking out across the parking lot, watching Troy and Sam as they walk together toward their respective vehicles. He scratches his jaw and I notice a small scar on his knuckles. “I must have missed that press conference.”
“There wasn’t one. No big announcement or anything, and he doesn’t have social media so he’s able to fly under the radar pretty well.” I realize I’ve never seen Nigel outside of a hockey rink before; the sun makes his bronze skin glow. “But everyone on the team knows.”
He looks at me. “An out NHL player is a pretty big deal.”
“He’s the only one I know of.” I stare at him hard, wanting him to understand what I’m saying without having to be more explicit.Please don’t make me say it.
“Right.” Nigel says. I wish he would put sunglasses on; his eyelashes are distracting.Have they always been that long?“Hey, Corwin?”
I wish he wouldn’t say my name. With his accent, it sounds soft and musical, like something whispered in the dark. “Yeah?”
“You think we could talk in private sometime? I need to…I just need to talk to you about something.”
Something being how I completely lost my shit when you kissed me six years ago, because I’m a fucking coward?“I can’t right now.” I tell him, because I have yet to grow a spine. “Maybe some other time.”
“Yeah, okay.” He looks regretful. “See you tomorrow then.”
When I get home, I consider sending Lawson a text, seeing if he wants to come over and hang out. I don’t though, knowing I’m probably better off alone today. So instead, I stand at my kitchen island for an unknown amount of time, staring off into the middle distance and thinking. Nigel being here makes me think about my father.
