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He looked up, his eyebrows raised. “Why?”
“Why do I want you to come or why am I leaving?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Why leave? You won’t find an island as comfortable as this.”
“Is that really how you feel?” I said. “You’ve always been so eager to climb the wall and sail to Tramore every chance we got.”
“But I always returned, didn’t I? I never wanted to leave here permanently. I chose the city over Tramore for a reason—lots of reasons.”
“I thought you chose the city because you fell in love with my mother.”
“Yes, she was the main reason, of course, but I only met her because I left Tramore. It’s not easy to live primitively like that.”
“But it’s better than this!” I gestured to the dirt floor.
He sighed and let the newspaper rest on his knees. “I’m getting older, Mara. I don’t have the energy to chop wood or to spend my days fishing and foraging just to eat.”
“Then I’ll do it for you,” I said. “Just come with me and we’ll figure it out.”
He shook his head.
“You’re telling me you want to stay here?” I asked. “You want this to be your life?”
“No, Mara! I want freedom, same as you,” he said. “But what you’re working toward isn’t true freedom. If I were to leave, I’d need a boat, a way to explore and move from place to place—and to come back if I wanted to. Can you guarantee me any of that?”
I stuttered, tempted to tell him of my plans to get to the arsenal and find the technology that could make our life easier, though I didn’t know yet what that might be. I wanted a way to convince him that our banished life wouldn’t be so bad. But he wouldn’t keep my plans from Cael, and I couldn’t let Cael discover that I intended to take anything from the arsenal.
And, in truth, I didn’t want to tell my father my plans because I didn’t want it to be the reason he chose to leave. I wanted it tobe because he loved me and wanted to be with me, not because I had the right tools.
“I can’t guarantee it,” I said, “but I can promise to do everything in my power to make your life good. We can live on the most beautiful island under the most beautiful tree. We can build a home with a comfortable couch just for you. We can brew tea and laugh and tell each other stories.” I sniffed, trying to hold myself together. “It won’t be effortless, but . . . we would be together.” I’d said too much. I’d gotten too vulnerable. But I didn’t stop, my voice falling to a whisper as I tried to stay composed. “Don’t you want that, Father?”
“You were meant to be queen,” he said quietly. “That’s what I wanted for you, not for you to step aside and help that boy claim the throne.” He clenched his teeth. “I never thought I’d see you like this. Where is your ambition? Where is your drive? Where is mydaughter?”
A lump formed in my throat. “I’m right here.”
“But you’re not the same. Ever since you returned from Tramore, you’ve been a shadow of your former self. You’re wearing a mustache, for God’s sake.”
My breath caught with the pain of being so unseen and misunderstood, my fury rising to the surface. “I’ve been a shadow foryears, Father. I’ve spent most of my life living within walls within walls. Your family were the only people I ever spoke to, and even that was rare. I was so alone, with only my knives and targets for company, and you didn’t even notice. I didn’t have a single friend until I left our home!”
“What about Cael? He was your friend,” he said.
“No! He wasyourfriend! And you love him more than you love me!” My voice cracked and I got to my feet, unable to stay in place any longer, unable to hold in all the words I never dared to say. A tear ran down my cheek and I hurriedly wiped at it.
“You’re being hysterical, Mara,” my father said, his voice turning cool and dismissive as he propped his newspaper up again.
I’d seen him like this before. Every time I showed unrestrained emotion, especially if I dared to show a tear, he closed up like a clam, cutting me off and shutting me down. He was a master at becoming impenetrable just when I needed him to open up and let me in. The only way to get him to listen to another word was to hold back my tears and mirror his dispassionate expression.
But I didn’t want to. I was done keeping the peace. I was done trying to keep my father in my life.
“Then I’m leaving without you.” I stared down at him, the tears dripping down my face, hot and unstoppable.
He looked down at his paper and offered no response but a simple grunt, as if I’d only told him I was going to make tea instead of walk out of his life forever.
“I hope you and Cael are very happy together.” I stormed into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
That afternoon,I climbed into the carriage parked in front of Cael’s house, my mustache in place, my hair combed, and my heart heavy.
Cael took the reins himself, leaving his driver out of this to involve as few people as possible, taking us down the path and into the Avenue.
